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Author: Mike Maples

Friday, January 30, 2015

St. Cloud Reference Guide

My friends and I hail from the mystical land of St. Cloud, Florida; a realm of endless wonder and enchantment. The local dialect can be difficult to understand for outsiders, so I have created this reference guide for the bold adventurers seeking out "the El Dorado of Osceola County."

GLOSSARY

Ag (noun)
  1. short for Agricultural Studies. 
  2. the only course offered at St. Cloud High School that the typical St. Cloudian youth is guaranteed to pass with an A.
  3. see also: not geometry
Bean Bomb (noun)
  1. nearly everything on a Taco Bell menu.
  2. food item known to explode on one's shirt, usually before meeting with members of the opposite sex.
Catfish House/Place, The (noun)
  1. the primary St. Cloudian fine-dining establishment.
  2. recently cited and temporarily closed by Florida's Division of Hotels and Restaurants for multiple health code violations.
  3. still considered the primary St. Cloudian fine-dining establishment.
Chinaman, The (noun)
  1. any Asian-style buffet restaurant.
Furious Five, The (noun)
  1. circa the early 2000s, a group of individuals whose numbers were rarely five.
  2. known for traveling to the "Mecca of Poon," AKA Pleasure Island at Downtown Disney (the only nightclubs that allowed 18-year-olds entry at the time).
  3. members often challenged one another to insane feats while trying to pick up women (dress only in overalls and flip-flops, create an outlandish alias and trick women into believing it, swim through Disney canal to gain illegal access to Pleasure Island rather than using traditional methods of entry, etc.).
Gay (adjective)
  1. a term used to describe a St. Cloudian with any level of fashion sense.
  2. a term used to describe a St. Cloudian that grooms himself.
  3. a term rarely used to describe an actual homosexual individual.
Gaylord (noun)
  1. Outside of St. Cloud, this is a luxury hotel in Central Florida. 
  2. Within St. Cloud, this is a homosexual individual.
"Get a job, you bum" (phrase)
  1. an exclamation shouted by local youth from a moving vehicle as they pass by a pedestrian walking near the road. 
  2. usually followed by a standard Taco Bell crunchy taco being thrown at the pedestrian.
Hee-Ya (interjection)
  1. a nasal exclamation shouted before engaging in a possibly life-threatening activity, usually involving a vehicle (laying in the back of a pickup truck while it attains a high rate of speed to ramp over railroad tracks, drunk driving in excess of 100 MPH on a unlit country back road with several handguns and cocaine under the seats, etc.). 
  2. see also: Red Chris
Hilljack (noun)
  1. a person of lesser couth than the typical citizenry. 
  2. a person fascinated by monster trucks, Sonny's BBQ, Skoal, Advanced Auto Parts, NASCAR, and the like.
  3. a person who has collected all of the "collectible" Coca-Cola glasses available for a limited time from McDonald's. 
  4. a person owning a shirt that is patterned entirely as the American flag and/or having a bald eagle on it.
  5. a person who grew up in St. Cloud and remained there after high school graduation by choice.
  6. see also: redneck, hillbilly
"Is she broken?" (phrase)
  1. question asked to the partner of a Hispanic female that does not speak "Mexican," AKA Spanish.
JNCOs (noun)
  1. uniform worn by all non-hilljack St. Cloudian youth.
  2. to include chain wallet.
Mama Bird (verb)
  1. to chew one's food and then discharge the food into one's partner's mouth for ingestion.
  2. a move used to publicly establish dominance over one's partner.
Mexican (noun)
  1. any Hispanic individual.
Native American (noun)
  1. ethnicity claimed by a St. Cloudian individual of painfully-obvious Italian heritage.
  2. claims to have fought a werewolf in an orange grove.
  3. common accessories: handguns, dream-catchers, throwing axes, flea market fantasy cutlery, and domestic violence knuckles. 
Powerbomb onto thumbtacks (phrase)
  1. references a professional wrestling "Hell In a Cell" match between The Undertaker and Mankind (a reference that only a true St. Cloudian would make) in which the former slams the latter onto a mat covered in thumbtacks.
  2. phrase used to describe one-sided fisticuffs and/or domestic violence.
Shitter 2.0 (noun)
  1. a philosophy conceived by Shitter.
  2. standard operating procedures for ensnaring St. Cloudian females with little difficulty. 
  3. successfully utilized by several associates of Shitter.
  4. see also: Shitter
Shitter Jitter (noun)
  1. dance move comprised entirely of head and neck movements.
  2. known as an effective female deterrent.
Skull-Spreader (noun)
  1. painful orthodontic device known to trap large wads of food.
  2. applied to Shitter in his teens.
  3. used by Shitter to launch chewed food at Pyit at inopportune times. 
State Streets, The (noun)
  1. the collective name for the main residential streets in the heart of St. Cloud.
  2. origin point for scalawags.
"Two on the sides, finger length on top" (phrase)
  1. much like North Korea, St. Cloudian males have a standardized haircut.
Wal-Mart (noun)
  1. the central highlight of the St. Cloud community.
  2. mating grounds for St. Cloudians.
  3. meeting place where local auto enthusiast "clubs" can show off their low performance 1990s Honda Civic and Chevy S-10 vehicles (accessorized with decorative gauges, one or more parts painted entirely with primer, and numerous decals, one of which must be Calvin peeing on the logo of an auto maker; the only useful accessory is a visible fire extinguisher, which will come in handy when the home-installed audio system ignites in the high school parking lot).

LEGENDARY ST. CLOUDIANS

Ass Jack (noun/individual)
  1. a person named AJ.
  2. AKA Anal Jizz, Ape Junk.
  3. known for falling victim to pranksters upon falling asleep at parties; dildos of dubious origins applied to his mouth and pictures taken for posterity.
Black Hammer of Doom, The (noun/individual)
  1. rotund female youth employed by local grocery chain.
  2. shaped more like a wrecking ball than a hammer.
  3. known for excessive noise production.
  4. moniker derived from unknown origin.
Butt Juice (noun/individual)
  1. a person named BJ.
  2. AKA Beetle Juice, Boy Juice, Butt Jouster, Brain Job.
  3. exceedingly nerdy individual who takes pride in dominating non-virgins in video games.
Piss-Shirt-Vak (noun/individual)
  1. unwashed male youth employed by a local grocery chain.
  2. known for punk-rock lifestyle, habitually smoking indoors at the aforementioned grocery store, putrid smell.
  3. currently much more successful than any other individual on this list.
Pyit (noun/individual)
  1. hyper-intelligent St. Cloud import from New York.
  2. known for hating Florida, role-playing games, seemingly boneless arms, and a crippling lack of initiative.
  3. will die of cancer.
  4. moniker derived from unknown origin.
Red Chris (noun/individual)
  1. a wild St. Cloudian on the fringes of Osceola county society.
  2. a person who engages in life-threatening activities, regardless of the collateral damage and/or consequences of said activities.
  3. a marijuana connoisseur.
  4. a hilljack who speaks with the accent, tone, and cadence of a 70-year-old black man from Alabama.
  5. moniker derived from individual's ginger status.
Ringpiece (noun/individual)
  1. terribly noisy neighbor if situated in an apartment above your own.
  2. known for making terrible decisions related to women and siring offspring.
  3. moniker derived from a butthole.
Schlongskins (noun/individual)
  1. an individual with an outrageous flair for tricks, pranks, and annoyances.
  2. professional tormentor of all levels of St. Cloud society.
  3. known for leopard-dyed hair, elevator boots, and peeing on other males' feet in public restrooms.
  4. moniker derived from individual's last name modified to account for his personality.
Shitter (noun/individual)
  1. a St. Cloud transplant from Indiana.
  2. a remarkable physical specimen of distinctly superior lineage and higher birth.
  3. AKA Mike Maples.
  4. moniker derived from "bull-shitter" to account for habitual falsehoods. 
Spoon (noun/individual)
  1. a female that is substantially boring.
Tits McGee (noun/individual)
  1. a woman with substantial breasts.
  2. upon breast reduction, the moniker is rescinded (along with any associations to male St. Cloudians).
Vinny the Lung (noun/individual)
  1. a person who is not named Vinny.
  2. known for an inhuman cough and an unusual connection to his mother.
Zolar (noun/individual)
  1. an acutely tall individual lacking the will to actually pay for any item, no matter how small
  2. standard quote: "Let me get some of that."

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