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Author: Mike Maples

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Maples for President 2020

In light of yesterday's election, I wanted to dust off this blog to officially toss my hat into the ring for the presidential race of 2020. 

That's right: Trump's nomination has proven that you don't need any of the following to be President of the United States of America:
  • Experience
  • Maturity
  • A fundamental understanding of basic issues
  • A decidedly American worldview
  • Any appreciation for democracy
  • A firm position on anything
  • Calm temperament
  • Respect for anything other than heterosexual white men (white lesbians are obviously cool, though)
  • Morals
  • Religion (If you're a Republican, religious values are inconsequential. If you're a Democrat, you're probably a Kenyan Muslim)
  • Respect for veterans
  • An economic plan that is anything but disastrous for the middle and lower classes of citizens
  • Recognition of America's enemies
  • The ability to heed the information of those more informed than yourself
  • Restraint
  • Goodwill
  • Sympathy for the nation's needs
  • Patriotism
  • A general base in reality
I CAN DO THIS. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO THIS. YOU ARE ALL FUCKING DOOMED IF YOU DON'T VOTE FOR ME: AMERICA WILL BE REDUCED TO ASHES BY MUSLIM EXTREMISTS WHO HATE CHRISTIANS AND LOVE ABORTIONS, GAY MARRIAGE, AND SOCIALIZED HEALTHCARE.

I KNOW IT. YOU KNOW IT. EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.

I meant President, not Conquistador. Unless you like Conquistador. Whatever makes you like me.
Why vote for Mike Maples? Let me answer your question with a bunch more*, dildos**:

*That's me just telling it like it is, which you love because you're all fucking sheep.
**Why be mean? Fuck you, that's why: "I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters." (not my quote, but is apparently totally cool)
***Since Twitter is our weapon of choice, take note of the hashtags below for posterity.
  • Are you angry that an educated black man has been ruling the free world for eight years? Would following that black president with a woman be way too much for you to handle?
  • Do you appreciate a lack of any sort of discipline?
  • Do you or your family use any sort of federal or state funded social program (Medicare, food stamps, social security, etc.) and simultaneously think that these should be abolished and anyone who uses them is just abusing the system? #TheseProgramsWereMeantForUnskilledWhites
  • Do you understand that I am definitely not a racist because I have tons of black friends? #SurroundedByBlacks #SoManyNegroFriends #Oreos #StillCantCallThemMyNiggas #IWillChangeThatMyNiggas #BindersFullaBlacks
  • Isn't it awesome that I could be prodded into a foaming rage by a tweet that references my strange, tiny hands? #EndFreeJournalism #EverythingIsSlander #ExceptBrietbartAndFoxNews
  • Are you a true Patriot wishing for a president that will allow you all freedom from the shackles of progress, situational awareness, and education? #YouGetSadderTheSmarterYouGet
  • Do you see no difference between a "straight talker" who "shoots from the hip" and an inappropriate asshole? #blurredlines
  • Are you more interested in conspiracy theories than facts? #NWO #lizardpeople #DarthBannon
  • Do you ignore basic logical reasoning or simply lack the capacity for rational thought? #JetFuelCantMeltSteelBeams
  • Do you make decisions based on what is happening literally right now today in front of you and not anything that could happen tomorrow as a result of an impulsive decision made right now? #ILiveInThePresentNotTheFuture
  • Do you see any reason why a man (since we agree that women aren't fit for the job of American President) would need any sort of education or experience in civics, law, economics, and/or government to be eligible to be president? #ICanAlsoBeAGynecologistOrLawyerOrPilot #SoCanYou
  • Do you mind if I grab your pussy? #Skeet4Maples2020
Your next President will need a bigger bathtub.
  • Do you care about international relationships? Since you obviously don't, wouldn't it be cool if I could go shirtless bareback horseback bow hunting with Vladimir Putin? #HuntingPoorPeopleAndJews
  • Will you work in a factory for $5 per day when I bring manufacturing jobs back to America? If not, is it OK if all of those formerly-foreign manufactured products rise in cost by 700%? #Hello4900DollariPhones #Maples2020HatsMadeInBangladeshBecauseBusiness #YouLemmingsWouldntUnderstand #TrustMe
  • Do you refuse to update your skill set to reflect a modernized workforce and economy? If so, do you agree that we should bring the cavalry horses and sailboats back to the military? #KeepOnDrilling #TheOnlyThingCleanerThanCoalEnergyIsSlaveEnergy
  • Do you not care in the least if I don't reflect even remotely similar religious values to your own despite your shouted protests that religious morals are the foundation of this country? #MaplesIsYourNewGod #IWillStillSellYouJesusFor50BucksAMonth #IdolatryIsAmerican
  • Do you not care in the least that every policy I put forth would be historically expensive and will benefit literally no one in the middle or lower class despite your shouted protests that fiscal conservatism is the bedrock of your beliefs? #YouAreNotConservativeUntilIDefineTheTermForYou
  • Do you agree that elderly white men should make all of the decisions as to what women do with their bodies? #BroadsDontKnowWhatsGoodForThem #UnwantedBabiesTrainedToBeButlersOrMaids #YoudBetterMajorInHomeEconomicsSugarTits
  • Are you comfortable with a candidate who changes his opinions and morals based entirely on ego-stroking and popularity? #CashGrassAss2020
  • Do you mind if most of the claims that I make in my campaign are not even remotely feasible or realistic and have no possibility of garnering the required cooperation with other politicians to come to fruition? #DrillForOilOnTheMoon #WallToKeepCanadiansOut #IfYoureNotOnTeamMaplesYouGetPrison 
  • Do you repeat whatever fake news that you see on Fox News or Facebook without investing any sort of research into the subject? #IGetIt #IWouldFuckAnnCoulterToo #AlwaysWantedToFuckASupervillain #Fetish2020
  • Do you agree that we need more jobs in America despite unemployment being at only 6%? #MightCutIntoYourHannityWorshippingHour
  • Will you repeat the false, uneducated claims that I make because I'm a white man? #IKnowMoreThanTheGeneralsBecauseISellRealEstate #IKnowItYouKnowIt
  • Will you help me destroy my opponents by adopting my false narratives as the gospel? #ClintonsAteABabyThatWasNotCookedToTheProperTemp #160DegreeInternalTemp #lockherup
  • If I promise to spend at least a year promoting the conspiracy theory that the American election system is rigged, then win the presidency, will you forget that I said the system was rigged? #IfIloseYouLose #IfIWinYoulose #IfItWasRiggedAndIWinKeepYourFuckingMouthShut
  • Do you hate foreigners as much as I do, unless they are an attractive white woman? #3SomeWithPutinAndUnderagedChechenLesbians #PutOutOrGetOut2020 #Melania
  • Are you tired of all of these fat pig/slob females? I'll create a tax incentive to have a treadmill installed in front of every stove in America. #CorsetsMandatoryForDamesWhoCantTrimDown #TaxesDontApplyToWealthyWomen #Sike #WomenCantBeWealthy #lol
  • Do you believe that there is no value in political correctness, AKA common courtesy? #FuckEmIfTheyCantTakeAJoke
  • Do you believe that the American President should be educated, eloquent, decent, firm, negotiable, have a genuine interest in all of America, and be able to convey all of this to the world? Or rather be the exact personification of what political cartoons in other countries characterize Americans to be? #MyCharicatureForPres2020 #redface #cowboyhat #assaultweapons 
  • Do you mind if I am a stark orange hue so long as I am not black or female? #OrangeIsTheNewOrange
  • Do you and David Duke share political leanings? #ExKKKGrandWizard #TotallyCoolNow 
If any of these things are music to your ears, please pledge your allegiance to the Mike Maples 2020 campaign (GoFundMe coming soon!)

#MikeMaples4Pres2020
#MakeAmericaGreatAgainAgain


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