Maples for President 2020

In light of yesterday's election, I wanted to dust off this blog to officially toss my hat into the ring for the presidential race of 2020. 

That's right: Trump's nomination has proven that you don't need any of the following to be President of the United States of America:

• Experience
• Maturity
• A fundamental understanding of basic issues
• A decidedly American worldview
• Any appreciation for democracy
• A firm position on anything
• Calm temperament
• Respect for anything other than heterosexual white men (white lesbians are obviously cool, though)
• Morals
• Religion (If you're a Republican, religious values are inconsequential. If you're a Democrat, you're probably a Kenyan Muslim)
• Respect for veterans
• An economic plan that is anything but disastrous for the middle and lower classes of citizens
• Recognition of America's enemies
• The ability to heed the information of those more informed than yourself
• Restraint
• Goodwill
• Sympathy for the nation's needs
• Patriotism
• A general base in reality

I CAN DO THIS. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO THIS. YOU ARE ALL FUCKING DOOMED IF YOU DON'T VOTE FOR ME: AMERICA WILL BE REDUCED TO ASHES BY MUSLIM EXTREMISTS WHO HATE CHRISTIANS AND LOVE ABORTIONS, GAY MARRIAGE, AND SOCIALIZED HEALTHCARE.

I KNOW IT. YOU KNOW IT. EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.

Freedom For All

"No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right. The judgment of the Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit is reversed. It is so ordered." -Justice Anthony Kennedy reading the Supreme Court's gay marriage ruling, striking down state bans.

Congratulations to those that have been waiting for this decision, as well as to America itself, for finally climbing another rung on the ladder of human advancement.

All are welcome, and all are free.

Punish the Weak

I saw an interesting statistic on Reddit today that showed just how many more prisons than colleges we have in the US. Here's my take in its most simplified form, along with other ways in which we beat down those who are already down.

The issue is that American bureaucrats, (most of) the super-wealthy, and fiscal conservatives aren't really fiscally conservative and unfortunately, they control everything. They sure as shit don't mind spending incredible amounts of money on prisons and punishment (or wars; they never seem to mind using our highly-expensive military to dispatch "freedom" all around the world), but don't want to spend money on rehabilitation or prevention in the form of higher education. This is what baffles me about both liberals and conservatives.

Mike's Guide To Civil Rights: Law Enforcement

In light of the most recent police shooting of an unarmed person in Orlando, I think it's time for an overhaul. By this, I mean a nationwide overhaul of the way we police our citizens: the technology, the procedures, the protocols, everything. Across the US, we are seeing an unprecedented level of violence and harsh tactics being used by police against the population.

The escalating use of excessive force, as well as outright police militarization, has reached an apex. This is the kind of stuff that starts revolutions, people. But we don't need a revolution. We need to change police culture, and American culture while we're at it.

The Audacity

I have to give it up to my Facebook friends for inspiring this post, as well as contributing to it (knowingly or not). It all started with an article that I read about recent scientific findings related to religion. The article, which you can read here, discusses a recent issue in the journal Cognitive Science, in which it was found that children subjected to religion have a difficult time differentiating reality and make-believe. Surprise, surprise.

I'm agnostic at best but was very pleased with the discussion that took place between my Facebook friends when I posted the article there. The main players in the conversation were me, a close personal friend for more than 20 years named Bryan, and a brilliant local comedian that I hold in high regard for his humor, humility, and powerful intelligence: Bill Kilpatrick. I am on the anti-religion side, Bryan falls on the pro-religion side, and Bill is somewhere in the middle, too informed for his own good. Here is how it went:

Tough Guy Yarmulke

Approximately 200 people, including 40 children, have been killed in the last week with the recent uptick of violence between Israel and Palestine. The brutality in Israel's counterattack is highlighted by an assault on Palestinian children playing on a Gaza beach that killed four kids and hit none of the strategic targets located on the beach. And by that, I mean there were absolutely no strategic targets on the beach, only families and journalists. This is another example of Israel's growing boldness against its enemies in the region, and one cannot help but think that one day, the region will get tired of the shenanigans.

I, like so many others, am really exhausted by religious violence in the Middle East, particularly because religion is a goofy thing to fight over. If we could just get over all of this religion that is holding us back, we'd finally see one another as human beings, not Jews, gentiles, Muslims, Christians, Hindus, Buddhists, and all of the other make-believe magic ghost stories that only divide us. 

Therapy, vol. 3: Crux

I'm a big sissy when it comes to being alone. That said, I have entered many relationships in my life and considered "the M word" with a few of them (only pulled the trigger twice... just to be sure). Here is what I've collected about marriage over the years.

I am the product of divorced parents. My parents were only married for a few years before calling it quits when I was four years old. Both went on to marry the people that they are still married to today, more than 20 years later. 

So why do people stick it out in horrible, unhappy marriages? I got advice from someone one time, and their words were as follows:

"It will work out. [It] just takes strength and trust in yourselves, and everything will fall into place."

Followed immediately by a quick bit about their own relationship:

"I am just waiting until his family dies before I make my final decision [on divorce] as the amount of money I will get half of. Sounds sad, but I won’t have to worry about money again and could retire earlier than 65. That’s for sure."

So basically, fuck it. It's a crapshoot, anyway.

Perceived Imbalance

"Why does the government give poor people big refunds while charging others more on their federal taxes?"

It is tax season, and you know what that means: endless bitching. You are guaranteed to encounter tweets, posts, blogs, and quotes like the one above related to how much of someone's paycheck that the government is keeping, how unfair it is, and how people are "doing their part to support the lazy Americans."

I have posted about welfare before, but a fresh round of bitching by middle-class white people beckoned me to continue. You see, I don't think of welfare as simply helping lazy people. Do I think that this happens? Yes. Do I think it is a majority? No. But even if it was a majority of welfare recipients that were abusing the system, I'd still support it. To me, it is not an issue of giving to those undeserving of it, but rather contributing to our society; the poor, the broken, the underprivileged, the disenfranchised people who haven't had all of the opportunities that I have, which has not been many, to be sure. This is called optimism.

The Meek Shall Destroy The Earth

Here in Florida, the gun-friendliest state in the south and home to the weirdest goddamned criminals ever, a man was recently murdered in a movie theater during a heated argument about texting. I have already written a post on what I think about gun control but was compelled to do so again.

Needless to say, social media has exploded with liberal and conservative cries for gun control versus vigilante justice. Having accidentally taken part in one of these arguments, I had a few reflections.

By reflections, I mean gloats that read as such: "You are wrong. Asshole."

Reading these Facebook comments makes me sad for our future, as in Floridians, Americans, and humanity in general. Our romanticization of gun culture in combination with our soul-depleting, media-soaked xenophobia has led to everyone basically losing their fucking minds. Obviously, this case in question is a one-in-a-million event and immeasurably retarded, so the gun control issue is not as obviously attached to the issue as much as one would think. But people are jumpy and want a soapbox, and who am I not to oblige?

Lest Ye Be Judged

Are the "conservative, moral" Americans falling short on people to berate? I mean, if preserving the sanctity of marriage in the eyes of "God," is the goal then shouldn't you be just as angry at those who have premarital sex (everyone), Britney Spears (divorced after 55 hours of marriage), Kim Kardashian (divorced after 72 days of marriage), and almost 50% of all the other Americans who are currently or have been married?

That Shit Is Gay

People need to stop using the argument that this is an issue that this affects or undermines their own marriage. By people, of course, I mean Americans. Mind your own fucking business and let gay people be miserable too. If a church chooses not to perform religious ceremonial marriage rites, that is their own business as it is a religious practice; their choice. However, states should not prevent those with the desire to marry a same-sex partner and enjoy the benefits that those of us who are married to an opposite-sex partner enjoy such as tax benefits, adoption proceedings, health benefits, and power-of-attorney, amongst much more. 

Our forefathers escaped religious persecution and established America and its associated Constitution, Bill of Rights, and so on. One of the things they thought of early on was the separation of church and state for issues just like this one. Marriage is a religious practice that is recognized by the government but not to be rendered by the government.

You want to talk religion and morals as they relate to marriage? Shit just got real.