Author: Mike Maples

Monday, December 23, 2013


What a shitty, shitty few years Hollywood has been having. Billions of dollars in revenue from movies that appeal to 15-year-old boys high on energy drinks and lacrosse rapes have effectively drained all of the blood from intelligent storytelling by rendering it impotent, with very few exceptions notwithstanding. Don't believe me?  Here's a list of things I just pulled off the top of my head.
  • Johnny Depp has played the same character six times now (Jack Sparrow x4, Tonto, Mad Hatter). 
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like my grandfather and the world hates him now.  
  • The Expendables is a profitable franchise
  • Twilight and Hunger Games are blatantly redundant.
  • Sequels and remakes that beat their own concepts to death consistently still dominate at the box office, despite their quality.
I'll address those points specifically, as well as rant about how goddamn horrible we are as a species. 

Monday, December 16, 2013

The Lowly Comedian

During the long drives on a recent comedy mini-tour, I had a lot of spare time to reflect on what I think it is to be a comedian. Generally speaking, of course.

When I started doing comedy, it was right after my son was born almost three years ago. I was in my sophomore year of college. I was working a full-time job in medicine. I had no time to spare, yet a critical need for release or risked dying of a stress-induced aneurysm. And by that, I mean a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

Forgotten Butt-Wipes: My First Comedy Tour

I was recently invited to go on tour as a featured comedian for my friend Jersey, the headliner for the tour. I was completely stoked to do this because, in my head, it legitimized me as a performing comedian. I have worked for a few years on honing my material from the wildly disorganized, wordy, humorless malignancy that it was, cutting away at it over time. Eventually, it became the wildly disorganized, wordy, somewhat-funny malignancy that it is today that makes some people laugh.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Inherent Value

I really love posting, writing, or joking onstage about how much of a bitter dick I am throughout my daily life. This is one such post.

As some of you may know, I am graduating with my Bachelor's degree in one week. If you didn't know that, it is because I suffer from scholastic shame. Without going into detail, let's just say that my school is a very popular online college, represented by a mythical flaming bird.

I have had many gripes over the years, with many-a-shitty-letter written to the muckety-mucks at the university, often to no effect. Now that I approach graduation, the school informs me that one of my student loans is reported as defaulted, to which my financial counselor likens to a "break" from academia that I must have taken. The following post was my retort verbatim (minus the pictures, obviously. What am I, a goddamn rube? Wrong! I am a learned man!). Enjoy.

Friday, October 18, 2013

How To Consume A Child

Recently, the people of Florida were shocked when a 14-year-old girl by the name of Rebecca Sedwick tragically took her own life due to the ravages of cyber-bullying and other difficulties with particular kids at her school. The details surrounding her death are tragic at best and enraging at worst. 

Any child lost is a failure of human beings as a species; either we failed to protect our offspring or we produced offspring that we could never protect in the first place. However, I am personally at an impasse about how I feel regarding this terrible situation. 

Thursday, October 3, 2013


I'm leading this one off with a quote, because I think it applies to the basic pulse of this post, perhaps this blog in general.  
“Think of a rock polisher, one of those drums, goes round and round, rolls twenty-four/seven, full of water and rocks and gravel. Grinding it all up. Round and round. Polishing those ugly rocks into gemstones. That’s the earth. Why it goes around. We’re the rocks. And what happens to us—the drama and pain and joy and war and sickness and victory and abuse—why, that’s just the water and sand to erode us. Grind us down. To polish us up, nice and bright.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted
Let me just point out that nearly all surveys done recently on the subject show that no one likes any of their elected officials anymore. This is ironic, of course, since we voted for our representatives under the assumptions that they would stick to their (see also: OUR) values while remaining flexible enough to negotiate. That's their entire job: negotiation. If they don't negotiate, then they're useless. 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Actual Conversations, Vol. 1

These are completely out of context and do not include the prerequisite or proceeding parts of the conversations that would explain them. This is what makes these very real quotes from actual conversations that I've had so brutally funny to me.

God, I pathetically amuse myself so much...

Me: His kids are really ugly.

Female Friend: Oh my God, that's horrible!
Me: The little one looks like Stephen Hawking. 
Female Friend: It's no wonder he left them with their mom, then.
Me: Jesus.


Female Friend: Should I go undercover and find out his penis size?
Me: Only if while you're doing it, you stare into those big-ass Gonzo eyeballs.
Female Friend: (Laughs)
Me: His eyeballs look like two Mike Wazowskis from Monsters, Inc. I feel like they might be like chameleon eyes. They can work independently from one another to track his prey.
Female Friend: You are seriously the funniest person I know!
Me: He is what a baby would look like if Louis C.K. and Jeff Goldbloom were the parents.

Thursday, June 20, 2013


I briefly had my own weekly comedy showcase at a little dive bar here in Orlando with a fellow comedian,. Sometimes it was funny, most times it wasn't. Sometimes there was a great crowd, sometimes we were telling jokes to one guy.

One night, we've got a few people in there having some drinks. There are signs all over town stating that there's an 18+ comedy show at this bar and it is going to be dirty. There's a flier for the show taped to every flat surface in the bar, including in the shitters

I'm not known as an "insult" comic; I do, however, play with a crowd. And they *almost always love it.

On this night, two 4.5s walk in to have a drink. Eight 'o clock hits, we rev up the show. They're a couple of years older than me, but not in a bad way at all. I start in with a bit about how sexy I think women older than me are (that's true). I ask one how old she is, and we laugh and have a little banter, then she says, "I'm 33." I do some catcalling, some whistling. Just doing my "sexy older woman," bit, then she blurts out, "no, no, no. I'm 21."


Thursday, April 18, 2013


I support gun control 100%. I know, I know... fuck me, right? Call me batshit crazy, but for some reason (not supported by American politicians in the least) I still believe in the American political process and do not think that the government is out to kill me, give me cancer, experiment on me, poison my groundwater, monitor me masturbating on the toilet via satellite, listen to my phone conversations consisting of calls to the non-emergency line at the Orlando Police Department to have them send an officer out to tell the Venezuelans next door to turn down that fucking garbage Reggaeton at 1:30am on a Tuesday (that took a dark turn), or subliminally control my mind.

Even if that is all true, just calm down and wait until Skynet handles it.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The Bums Lose

I recently read a blog from someone I know that piqued my interest. If you don't know him by now, check out Jeremy's blog here. Once you've read it, come on back...

Done? Good.

Noble words, eh? But tender words don't put a roof over heads or food in mouths. As Rachel Dawes told Bruce Wayne, "It's not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us." You can love all you want, but eventually, your wife and son will wonder why, if you loved them so much, you didn't do more to better your own life and, in turn, theirs. 

Monday, March 11, 2013

Pendulum of Sexism

The other day, I mentioned to my wife in a half-joking way that I'd love to be a stay at home dad. I was playing with my son at the time, tickling the piss out of him and chasing him all over the place. When I looked back at her after I said that, she looked at me as if I'd just told her I was gay. No, not with resigned expectancy. It was slack-jawed disbelief.

"No, you don't mean that," she said.

"Of course I do. I'm a better cook, better at cleaning the house, better at laundry, and I play with the kid way more. Plus, I hate working. It just makes sense." Again, I was joking, but also kind of serious.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Lest Ye Be Judged

Are the "conservative, moral" Americans falling short on people to berate? I mean, if preserving the sanctity of marriage in the eyes of "God," is the goal then shouldn't you be just as angry at those who have premarital sex (everyone), Britney Spears (divorced after 55 hours of marriage), Kim Kardashian (divorced after 72 days of marriage), and almost 50% of all the other Americans who are currently or have been married?