American Homeowner, Part 2

This post a letter that I sent as a reaction to a string of threatening letters that my HOA has sent to my house in regards to an underwhelming front yard. For those with the unfortunate hell of living in a community with an HOA, you already know the score. 

To Whom It May Concern:

As stated in an email sent earlier today, my family has made considerable efforts to correct the issues that the Board of Directors has so graciously been monitoring on our behalf. Unfortunately, it would seem that the Board’s photography personnel/lackey may have missed these efforts on their weekly stalker fly-by, and the Board is making severe threats based on a single out-of-context photograph from a single moment in time, having no insight as to what may have occurred on other days or at other times to address the Board’s vital concerns.

First, I will say that we are very taken aback that the Board seems to assume that it is a governing body with the kind of clout that would allow them to bully regular, law-abiding citizens in the way that we perceive from the language in the letters that we have received (as I hinted in the first paragraph, sometimes having only a little glimpse to go by can lead to some staggering assumptions, if one is so inclined). To send us a “First Violation” letter on 3/30/2016 to make us aware of the issues that the Board has with our yard, and then follow it up exactly 14 days later with a “Final Notice of Violation” letter with weighty threats of litigation is asinine, offensive, falsely entitled, and presumptuous. Also, for the Board to talk out of one side of its mouth about caring for the occupants of Stratford Pointe while vomiting these kinds of threats is the kind of heartless, gutless, broad-brush reaction that I would expect from a soulless organization (or a dictator, come to think of it) than from a group that is supposed to be solely intent on bettering the community and lives of those within.

Waving a lawyer at my family does not hold much water with me, especially when the Board’s bylines offer a lot of interpretive flexibility in their terms:

• “Mowed on a regular basis” – what is a regular basis to you? To my family’s lawyer, this could mean once a month so long as it is regularly so. 
• “No dead spots” – how large is a spot? Does the “dead spot” consist of grass only? Meaning, what if all the grass is dead but the weeds are lively and green? It wouldn’t, by this vague definition, be “dead,” would it?

Put yourself in my shoes: does the Board actually think that two weeks is really enough time to resolve the issues that they have with our yard in particular? To receive the first warning, save money, contact vendors, solicit estimates, schedule services, and have fully-complete results in 14 days seems entirely reasonable to the Board? Really? On top of that, according to the threats/letters from the HOA, we’re supposed to submit all “requests for approval of tree/plants removal” to the ARB (what is the ARB?), thus adding to this ticking time bomb that the Board has hung around our necks. How do we do that? What is the ARB’s turn-around time? Does the board consider this when making demands of the prisoners of Stratford Pointe?

Keep in mind that I personally resolved one of the issues (dead/dry plants/trees, which is exactly 50% of the issues that the Board has with our yard) more than a week ago; does this not signal to the Board that we are making efforts to rectify their concerns? Also, keep in mind: my removing these dead plants at the Board’s behest has caused there to be empty “dead” spots in the yard in their absence. Once these plants are replaced, these dead spots will be greatly minimized, hopefully reducing the likely painful collective anal clenching that the Board seems to be experiencing.

In addition to the removal of these dead and/or dying plants, an irrigation vendor has successfully repaired the irrigation system on the property as of today (4/16/2016). On Monday, 4/18/2016, I will be contacting the City of Orlando to turn on the water to the irrigation system and will begin watering at the maximum allowable duration and intervals. Once these steps are carried out, I will personally be installing new plants, as well as seeding, weeding, and fertilizing the lawn. If, after several weeks, the grass seeds do not take and/or the results are underwhelming, we are prepared to re-sod the yard.

Taking this into consideration, I would like to ask when the Board may think it is appropriate to inspect their property that we just happened to have purchased and are currently living on so that we can ensure that the Board receives their full enjoyment from it? Per the threats… sorry, I mean violation letters… I am to notify the Board when the violation has been corrected so that they can come over and cast their hallowed gaze upon the plot that, by their exalted grace and authority, they allow my family to occupy.

I am hoping that the Board will be gracious enough not to toss my modestly-incomed family to their lawyers-in-waiting until the fruits of our recent efforts have been allowed to ripen. Rest assured, we have been jumping at the cracks of the Board’s whip, and have spent a significant amount of our own money (not even from the Board’s coffers, though it apparently causes them so much more alarm than it does us or our neighbors that one would think they would offer to help) since receiving the First Violation letter to repair the yard. Even two days after surgery, I have worked in the yard in a Percocet haze and blood-soaked bandages as best I could to liven up the yard, sparing no expense because my priorities are to the Board and its red right hand. I know now that I cannot be concerned with trivial issues like my own physical or financial well-being.

Please allow us a reasonable amount of time to react to the letters that we have received, a realistic amount of time to allow the brand-new irrigation system (which was severely damaged and neglected by the home’s previous owners) to begin to nourish the yard, and a practical amount of time to allow a home with a newborn, a preschooler, and two working parents to install new plants to replace the ones that we just removed.

Moving forward, it may be prudent for the Board to consider each violation on an individual basis and invest a moment to the needs of the homeowner in addition to the needs of the community, not in spite of it. Though the photo-stalker hasn’t caught me with a shovel or pickax in the yard or the irrigation professionals digging up the yard to repair the system, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t occurring. If need be, we can schedule this photo session so that I am sure to never miss an opportunity to work in the yard for the camera like a dirty girl and prove my worth to the Board.

This recommended additional consideration may also allow the Board to consider realistic time frames for residents to address the Board’s concerns based on the significance of the concern: allowing 14 days for a complete yard redesign and installation seems like a bit much for the average family to swallow, versus 14 days to remove a flamingo lawn ornament or the like.

Your Respectful Peasant,

Mike Maples

Pork Chop Biscuit

Recently, Kelly Clarkson received a lot of heat about her pretty substantial weight gain in recent months. The result was a professional and positive response by Clarkson and a social media flood of reverse-fat shaming. I figured that as a person who has fallen into both the fit and fat columns (mostly the latter), I'd weigh in here.

If you're fat, you most likely know it. How you handle this knowledge is personal. For Kelly Clarkson, the response to critics of her larger size was great:

"I've just never cared what people think. It's more if I'm happy and I'm confident and feeling good. That's always been my thing. And more so now since having a family, I don't seek out any other acceptance." - Kelly Clarkson

Opinions on what obesity actually looks like varies wildly from person to person. Fortunately, the trend of rail-thin women as the model for attractiveness has fallen to the margins, replaced by the increasingly popular fascination with curvy women. However, I think that we are blurring the lines between confidence, as in one's self-confidence regardless of body image, and making excuses for unhealthy lifestyles, obesity, and more.

Love Letter

I have wanted to write to you for a few weeks now, but couldn't really figure out the right words to say to you. You are the only woman that I have ever loved, but have never met. I had never seen a woman as beautiful as you are, and the only picture I ever saw of you was on an ultrasound.

Now, I hope that I have found the right words for you.

Therapy, vol. 4: Adulthood

Adulthood. It sucks unilaterally. I know that in my heart, but then why does everyone need me to control these things? It's like, "Hey, Mike, I could help you with this, or just do it myself. I know it is really my responsibility, or at least our joint responsibility, but I'm going to go ahead and leave it to you." And that's not about marriage. It's everything. I'm an ambitious, hard-working bulldog that gets shit done. Everyone sees that and lays more bricks on the pile for me, knowing I'll take care of it or die trying.

It would be nice to just drop the fucking bricks. 

American Homeowner

This is a letter that I just sent to my HOA. I am posting it here as a sample of what to expect for all of you would-be home buyers out there, as well as an example of how you probably shouldn't respond to an HOA.

Simply put: don't buy a home in a neighborhood with an HOA. What they purport to contribute to the neighborhood almost never outweighs the personal freedoms (and money) that they strip from you. Mind you, the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Read on...

Hero

"They're gonna rip you apart; you're going to burn at the stake. 'Cause when it's time to collect, it's only heroes that pay." Hero by Ministry.

When I was very young, somewhere between 7-10 years old, my grandmother took me to a fair in Lafayette, Indiana, also known as the glorious place of my birth and spring break capital of the world. As dusk approached, we finished off an elephant ear and made our way through the droves of corn-fed white trash and Purdue students towards our car. Near the exit, I was quick to notice an old Chevy S-10 with a camper shell and a homemade sign that read "FORTUNE TELLER & TAROT," tacked to the side. When I think of a legitimate business, I think "vehicle-based" and "county fair," in that order.

Seems legit.

2014

Since there are never too many posts about New Year's Day about people's resolutions on social media, and because I know you are just dying to hear mine, I thought I'd throw this post together. You are welcome.

I introduced myself to 2014 by performing at Latitude 30 in Jacksonville, FL. I did a 30-minute set as a feature for my friend and headliner of the evening, Jersey. It wasn't technically supposed to be 30 minutes, but I was on a roll, everyone was having a great time, and Jersey had more time to comb his chinstrap.

I had a good time and got to talk about comedy and whatnot with some new acquaintances, all the while wishing I was home and already in bed (because I am so cool, a new year can wait until morning to see me). So it was a great night, needless to say.