Maples for President 2020

In light of yesterday's election, I wanted to dust off this blog to officially toss my hat into the ring for the presidential race of 2020. 

That's right: Trump's nomination has proven that you don't need any of the following to be President of the United States of America:

• Experience
• Maturity
• A fundamental understanding of basic issues
• A decidedly American worldview
• Any appreciation for democracy
• A firm position on anything
• Calm temperament
• Respect for anything other than heterosexual white men (white lesbians are obviously cool, though)
• Morals
• Religion (If you're a Republican, religious values are inconsequential. If you're a Democrat, you're probably a Kenyan Muslim)
• Respect for veterans
• An economic plan that is anything but disastrous for the middle and lower classes of citizens
• Recognition of America's enemies
• The ability to heed the information of those more informed than yourself
• Restraint
• Goodwill
• Sympathy for the nation's needs
• Patriotism
• A general base in reality

I CAN DO THIS. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO THIS. YOU ARE ALL FUCKING DOOMED IF YOU DON'T VOTE FOR ME: AMERICA WILL BE REDUCED TO ASHES BY MUSLIM EXTREMISTS WHO HATE CHRISTIANS AND LOVE ABORTIONS, GAY MARRIAGE, AND SOCIALIZED HEALTHCARE.

I KNOW IT. YOU KNOW IT. EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.

Punish the Weak

I saw an interesting statistic on Reddit today that showed just how many more prisons than colleges we have in the US. Here's my take in its most simplified form, along with other ways in which we beat down those who are already down.

The issue is that American bureaucrats, (most of) the super-wealthy, and fiscal conservatives aren't really fiscally conservative and unfortunately, they control everything. They sure as shit don't mind spending incredible amounts of money on prisons and punishment (or wars; they never seem to mind using our highly-expensive military to dispatch "freedom" all around the world), but don't want to spend money on rehabilitation or prevention in the form of higher education. This is what baffles me about both liberals and conservatives.

Perceived Imbalance

"Why does the government give poor people big refunds while charging others more on their federal taxes?"

It is tax season, and you know what that means: endless bitching. You are guaranteed to encounter tweets, posts, blogs, and quotes like the one above related to how much of someone's paycheck that the government is keeping, how unfair it is, and how people are "doing their part to support the lazy Americans."

I have posted about welfare before, but a fresh round of bitching by middle-class white people beckoned me to continue. You see, I don't think of welfare as simply helping lazy people. Do I think that this happens? Yes. Do I think it is a majority? No. But even if it was a majority of welfare recipients that were abusing the system, I'd still support it. To me, it is not an issue of giving to those undeserving of it, but rather contributing to our society; the poor, the broken, the underprivileged, the disenfranchised people who haven't had all of the opportunities that I have, which has not been many, to be sure. This is called optimism.

Inherent Value

I really love posting, writing, or joking onstage about how much of a bitter dick I am throughout my daily life. This is one such post.

As some of you may know, I am graduating with my Bachelor's degree in one week. If you didn't know that, it is because I suffer from scholastic shame. Without going into detail, let's just say that my school is a very popular online college, represented by a mythical flaming bird.

I have had many gripes over the years, with many-a-shitty-letter written to the muckety-mucks at the university, often to no effect. Now that I approach graduation, the school informs me that one of my student loans is reported as defaulted, to which my financial counselor likens to a "break" from academia that I must have taken. The following post was my retort verbatim (minus the pictures, obviously. What am I, a goddamn rube? Wrong! I am a learned man!). Enjoy.