Maples for President 2020

In light of yesterday's election, I wanted to dust off this blog to officially toss my hat into the ring for the presidential race of 2020. 

That's right: Trump's nomination has proven that you don't need any of the following to be President of the United States of America:

• Experience
• Maturity
• A fundamental understanding of basic issues
• A decidedly American worldview
• Any appreciation for democracy
• A firm position on anything
• Calm temperament
• Respect for anything other than heterosexual white men (white lesbians are obviously cool, though)
• Morals
• Religion (If you're a Republican, religious values are inconsequential. If you're a Democrat, you're probably a Kenyan Muslim)
• Respect for veterans
• An economic plan that is anything but disastrous for the middle and lower classes of citizens
• Recognition of America's enemies
• The ability to heed the information of those more informed than yourself
• Restraint
• Goodwill
• Sympathy for the nation's needs
• Patriotism
• A general base in reality

I CAN DO THIS. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO THIS. YOU ARE ALL FUCKING DOOMED IF YOU DON'T VOTE FOR ME: AMERICA WILL BE REDUCED TO ASHES BY MUSLIM EXTREMISTS WHO HATE CHRISTIANS AND LOVE ABORTIONS, GAY MARRIAGE, AND SOCIALIZED HEALTHCARE.

I KNOW IT. YOU KNOW IT. EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.

"The City Must Suffer At The Hand of The Chief's Command"

In the wake of the Pulse nightclub shooting that took place on 6/12/16 here in Orlando, an event that claimed the lives of 49 people and injured just as many, we as a nation once again mourn the loss of innocent young people at the hands of a madman and look to our leaders for answers. Democratic politicians staged a sit-in on the floor of Congress to try and get the Republican majority to finally, for once, act on behalf of the American people and not their own partisan political careers. Once again, the American people were let down by their leaders as the Republicans adjourned two days early instead of addressing these pressing issues, something we've become all too used to. Rather than seeing ourselves as Americans who need to discuss these things as a group to serve the greater good, we've chosen partisanship over common sense.

Pork Chop Biscuit

Recently, Kelly Clarkson received a lot of heat about her pretty substantial weight gain in recent months. The result was a professional and positive response by Clarkson and a social media flood of reverse-fat shaming. I figured that as a person who has fallen into both the fit and fat columns (mostly the latter), I'd weigh in here.

If you're fat, you most likely know it. How you handle this knowledge is personal. For Kelly Clarkson, the response to critics of her larger size was great:

"I've just never cared what people think. It's more if I'm happy and I'm confident and feeling good. That's always been my thing. And more so now since having a family, I don't seek out any other acceptance." - Kelly Clarkson

Opinions on what obesity actually looks like varies wildly from person to person. Fortunately, the trend of rail-thin women as the model for attractiveness has fallen to the margins, replaced by the increasingly popular fascination with curvy women. However, I think that we are blurring the lines between confidence, as in one's self-confidence regardless of body image, and making excuses for unhealthy lifestyles, obesity, and more.

Punish the Weak

I saw an interesting statistic on Reddit today that showed just how many more prisons than colleges we have in the US. Here's my take in its most simplified form, along with other ways in which we beat down those who are already down.

The issue is that American bureaucrats, (most of) the super-wealthy, and fiscal conservatives aren't really fiscally conservative and unfortunately, they control everything. They sure as shit don't mind spending incredible amounts of money on prisons and punishment (or wars; they never seem to mind using our highly-expensive military to dispatch "freedom" all around the world), but don't want to spend money on rehabilitation or prevention in the form of higher education. This is what baffles me about both liberals and conservatives.

Mike's Guide To Civil Rights: Protesting

OK, OK. I know that I recently posted a blog issuing my full support for those protesting the law enforcement system. In light of that, this post may seem like me doubling-back on my words. Trust me; that is not the case at all. But between protesters tearing Missouri apart with rioting, looting, and violence against their own community and people blocking roads near malls during the holiday season just to get someone to listen to them chant the same seven or eight words ad nauseum, I think it is safe to say that we as a nation have entirely forgotten how to protest.

Mike's Guide To Civil Rights: Law Enforcement

In light of the most recent police shooting of an unarmed person in Orlando, I think it's time for an overhaul. By this, I mean a nationwide overhaul of the way we police our citizens: the technology, the procedures, the protocols, everything. Across the US, we are seeing an unprecedented level of violence and harsh tactics being used by police against the population.

The escalating use of excessive force, as well as outright police militarization, has reached an apex. This is the kind of stuff that starts revolutions, people. But we don't need a revolution. We need to change police culture, and American culture while we're at it.

Least-Valuable Prisoners

OK, I'll make this quick because it is stupid that it is getting this much attention and heat. Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl is likely a deserter.

That said, American soldiers should not have had to give up their lives in trying to rescue him if that is indeed the case (see Reality Check #2). He very likely walked away from a war that he didn't agree with, which is illegal according to the UCMJ, and should be punished in a measured manner for it. However, death is not an appropriate punishment for that crime, according to the UCMJ. Nor were his feelings uncommon with members of the military, then and now.

Republicans are currently shitting kittens because the White House made some backdoor deal with the Taliban to release five Guantanamo prisoners, senior Taliban operatives, in exchange for Bergdahl. Speaker Boehner's usually bright orange skin has taken on a reddish hue in response to this outrage. Let's take a breather and remember a few things.

Therapy, vol. 3: Crux

I'm a big sissy when it comes to being alone. That said, I have entered many relationships in my life and considered "the M word" with a few of them (only pulled the trigger twice... just to be sure). Here is what I've collected about marriage over the years.

I am the product of divorced parents. My parents were only married for a few years before calling it quits when I was four years old. Both went on to marry the people that they are still married to today, more than 20 years later. 

So why do people stick it out in horrible, unhappy marriages? I got advice from someone one time, and their words were as follows:

"It will work out. [It] just takes strength and trust in yourselves, and everything will fall into place."

Followed immediately by a quick bit about their own relationship:

"I am just waiting until his family dies before I make my final decision [on divorce] as the amount of money I will get half of. Sounds sad, but I won’t have to worry about money again and could retire earlier than 65. That’s for sure."

So basically, fuck it. It's a crapshoot, anyway.

Perceived Imbalance

"Why does the government give poor people big refunds while charging others more on their federal taxes?"

It is tax season, and you know what that means: endless bitching. You are guaranteed to encounter tweets, posts, blogs, and quotes like the one above related to how much of someone's paycheck that the government is keeping, how unfair it is, and how people are "doing their part to support the lazy Americans."

I have posted about welfare before, but a fresh round of bitching by middle-class white people beckoned me to continue. You see, I don't think of welfare as simply helping lazy people. Do I think that this happens? Yes. Do I think it is a majority? No. But even if it was a majority of welfare recipients that were abusing the system, I'd still support it. To me, it is not an issue of giving to those undeserving of it, but rather contributing to our society; the poor, the broken, the underprivileged, the disenfranchised people who haven't had all of the opportunities that I have, which has not been many, to be sure. This is called optimism.

Dutch Amnesia

While perusing the dregs of social media article links, I ran across an interview with Ann Coulter on Piers Morgan's show, which you can see here. As always with Ms. Coulter, it was mostly an argument stuffed with some Ross Perot-like "can I finish my sentence" moments in the place of valid counterpoints in sentence form. However, it made me reflect on the legalization of marijuana argument, and each side's take on it from the point of view of a non-smoker pot-sympathizer (which I am, I promise) (prospective employers). 

The Meek Shall Destroy The Earth

Here in Florida, the gun-friendliest state in the south and home to the weirdest goddamned criminals ever, a man was recently murdered in a movie theater during a heated argument about texting. I have already written a post on what I think about gun control but was compelled to do so again.

Needless to say, social media has exploded with liberal and conservative cries for gun control versus vigilante justice. Having accidentally taken part in one of these arguments, I had a few reflections.

By reflections, I mean gloats that read as such: "You are wrong. Asshole."

Reading these Facebook comments makes me sad for our future, as in Floridians, Americans, and humanity in general. Our romanticization of gun culture in combination with our soul-depleting, media-soaked xenophobia has led to everyone basically losing their fucking minds. Obviously, this case in question is a one-in-a-million event and immeasurably retarded, so the gun control issue is not as obviously attached to the issue as much as one would think. But people are jumpy and want a soapbox, and who am I not to oblige?

Copraphilia

What a shitty, shitty few years Hollywood has been having. Billions of dollars in revenue from movies that appeal to 15-year-old boys high on energy drinks and lacrosse rapes have effectively drained all of the blood from intelligent storytelling by rendering it impotent, with very few exceptions notwithstanding. Don't believe me?  Here's a list of things I just pulled off the top of my head.

• Johnny Depp has played the same character six times now (Jack Sparrow x4, Tonto, Mad Hatter). 
• Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like my grandfather and the world hates him now.  
• The Expendables is a profitable franchise. 
• Twilight and Hunger Games are blatantly redundant.
• Sequels and remakes that beat their own concepts to death consistently still dominate at the box office, despite their quality.

I'll address those points specifically, as well as rant about how goddamn horrible we are as a species. 

The Lowly Comedian

During the long drives on a recent comedy mini-tour, I had a lot of spare time to reflect on what I think it is to be a comedian. Generally speaking, of course.

When I started doing comedy, it was right after my son was born almost three years ago. I was in my sophomore year of college. I was working a full-time job in medicine. I had no time to spare, yet a critical need for release or risked dying of a stress-induced aneurysm. And by that, I mean a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

Stranglehold

I'm leading this one off with a quote, because I think it applies to the basic pulse of this post, perhaps this blog in general.  

“Think of a rock polisher, one of those drums, goes round and round, rolls twenty-four/seven, full of water and rocks and gravel. Grinding it all up. Round and round. Polishing those ugly rocks into gemstones. That’s the earth. Why it goes around. We’re the rocks. And what happens to us—the drama and pain and joy and war and sickness and victory and abuse—why, that’s just the water and sand to erode us. Grind us down. To polish us up, nice and bright.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted

Let me just point out that nearly all surveys done recently on the subject show that no one likes any of their elected officials anymore. This is ironic, of course, since we voted for our representatives under the assumptions that they would stick to their (see also: OUR) values while remaining flexible enough to negotiate. That's their entire job: negotiation. If they don't negotiate, then they're useless. 

Ammunism

I support gun control 100%. I know, I know... fuck me, right? Call me batshit crazy, but for some reason (not supported by American politicians in the least) I still believe in the American political process and do not think that the government is out to kill me, give me cancer, experiment on me, poison my groundwater, monitor me masturbating on the toilet via satellite, listen to my phone conversations consisting of calls to the non-emergency line at the Orlando Police Department to have them send an officer out to tell the Venezuelans next door to turn down that fucking garbage Reggaeton at 1:30am on a Tuesday (that took a dark turn), or subliminally control my mind.

Even if that is all true, just calm down and wait until Skynet handles it.

The Bums Lose

I recently read a blog from someone I know that piqued my interest. If you don't know him by now, check out Jeremy's blog here. Once you've read it, come on back...

Done? Good.

Noble words, eh? But tender words don't put a roof over heads or food in mouths. As Rachel Dawes told Bruce Wayne, "It's not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us." You can love all you want, but eventually, your wife and son will wonder why, if you loved them so much, you didn't do more to better your own life and, in turn, theirs. 

Pendulum of Sexism

The other day, I mentioned to my wife in a half-joking way that I'd love to be a stay at home dad. I was playing with my son at the time, tickling the piss out of him and chasing him all over the place. When I looked back at her after I said that, she looked at me as if I'd just told her I was gay. No, not with resigned expectancy. It was slack-jawed disbelief.

"No, you don't mean that," she said.

"Of course I do. I'm a better cook, better at cleaning the house, better at laundry, and I play with the kid way more. Plus, I hate working. It just makes sense." Again, I was joking, but also kind of serious.

Lest Ye Be Judged

Are the "conservative, moral" Americans falling short on people to berate? I mean, if preserving the sanctity of marriage in the eyes of "God," is the goal then shouldn't you be just as angry at those who have premarital sex (everyone), Britney Spears (divorced after 55 hours of marriage), Kim Kardashian (divorced after 72 days of marriage), and almost 50% of all the other Americans who are currently or have been married?

The Unvaccinated Hive

I am writing this post in response to something I saw on Facebook. I strongly believe that I will be returning to the concept of the hive-mind of American society and the sheepish way in which we as a group follow and do pretty much whatever we are told by someone that we perceive as being smarter or in a better position than ourselves without taking into account the actual facts related to the subject matter. It seems to be a common theme for me in this blog.

Please don't think that I am some anti-establishment anarchist or a left-wing maniac. I support anyone's position as long as they have actually taken the time to develop a position for themselves rather than following along with whatever they hear. Just because Barack Obama or Glenn Beck tell you that something is true, you don't have to believe it. Do some research and figure out if they're full of shit.

Hallowed Region

I really wanted to avoid talking about this. Really. I don't think the subject is funny. I'm trying to be a comedian, I know a gaggle of veterans, and I really started this blog to bitch about America. Generally speaking, I wanted to create a space where I could blast American society, our skewed values, our flexible morality, and our complacency. Our politics. Our culture. A place where I could say publicly what I know a lot of the people in my generation are thinking. I had hoped that I could talk about deep things in a light manner, being a "humorist," and all. But to what end?