Uppity

I briefly had my own weekly comedy showcase at a little dive bar here in Orlando with a fellow comedian,. Sometimes it was funny, most times it wasn't. Sometimes there was a great crowd, sometimes we were telling jokes to one guy.

One night, we've got a few people in there having some drinks. There are signs all over town stating that there's an 18+ comedy show at this bar and it is going to be dirty. There's a flier for the show taped to every flat surface in the bar, including in the shitters. 

I'm not known as an "insult" comic; I do, however, play with a crowd. And they *almost always love it.

On this night, two 4.5s walk in to have a drink. Eight 'o clock hits, we rev up the show. They're a couple of years older than me, but not in a bad way at all. I start in with a bit about how sexy I think women older than me are (that's true). I ask one how old she is, and we laugh and have a little banter, then she says, "I'm 33." I do some catcalling, some whistling. Just doing my "sexy older woman," bit, then she blurts out, "no, no, no. I'm 21."

Pause.

You're at a low-rent comedy show. You are one of five women in the entire bar. You're at a table directly in front of a comedy show. And you've now decided that you're participating in the act. Just keep that in mind.

Play.

I quickly respond in a moment of brilliance, "Wow, you're a rough 21, then. You're a good 33, though. I'd stick with that."

Cue the huffing. The puffing. The pouting. The anger. And here....we....go.

She and her girlfriend turn their back to me. To a comic. On stage. With a microphone. And you're 20 feet directly in front of me, no obstructions.

Alas, against my better judgment, I leave them alone. I try to get their attention later on, try to reel them back in. But they've decided that their night is ruined. They storm out and through A) a bartender trying to please a customer or B) relentless bitching, they get their drinks on the house. Whatever, we finish the show.

Later, I'm completely put on blast about shit that everyone is cool with every other time.

"You can't offend the crowd." 

"They weren't here for comedy." 

"They don't know your style." 

"You have to know who's in the audience." 

"They're lesbians."

(Still not sure why these guys were banging on the drum that doesn't matter)

"Go around before the show and introduce yourself prior to the show. Let them know who you are and what you do."

Stop.

Yes, I can offend the people in a crowd. What I or any comic of any caliber can't do is please every individual in a crowd.

If they weren't there for comedy, that's unfortunate, but also not my problem. Go sit at the bar, not in front of the fucking stage. And be sure not to bump your head on any of the signs posted all over the goddamned walls announcing the comedy show. And be sure to drown out the blaring PA system where we do a 5-minute intro to the comedy show that we're starting right now.

They don't need to know my style. They don't need to like me. Believe it or not, every person isn't a fan of every comedian. Some like Jerry Seinfeld, others don't. Some people love Earthquake, others aren't black. I'm not there to show anyone a bad time or offend anyone, and if my attempt at humor truly sucks to you, then I am truly sorry. But if others are laughing, then you should resign and agree that it's just not your thing. You don't deserve to ask for your drinks to be on the house because you're butt-hurt over a joke that you didn't like, nor should the house give you one.

I'm not going to check with every single person who walks in there personally to make sure that they know we're doing comedy and that there may be some adult language. Who the fuck does that? 

I can look into the crowd and get a general idea, but this isn't me doing blackface vaudeville at a Black Panthers rally on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day; it is jokes that are currently under construction in a dive bar that are about nothing in particular and directed towards no one in particular. I'll touch on everything, not avoid particular jokes because one or two of a particular group is in there. Those very people may think the joke about them/their group is fucking hilarious, as is often the case. Then again, they may hate the joke and that's got to be ok, too. 

To play to a room is smart, but to bend your comedy and what you think is good material so much just to please others is... I don't know. More than selling out, I guess. It is giving up on your craft to try to "make a sale." That's not comedy, that's ass-kissing. I don't keep my shit puckered for that nonsense.

As a comedian, you don't want to spread hate and negativity and bad feelings; that's the antithesis of comedy. You want to take the shitty things in life and make people forget them, diminish them in some capacity. Minimize the damage that we all incur every single day of life. I'm not a perfect comic, and I'm not going to be "on" every week. No comedian has ever been. Maybe the joke I told wasn't that good (the room liked it). There are certainly better ways to arrange my sets and strengthen my jokes to make my comedy better, and I totally know that. That's why I do this shit at dive bars and not at Madison Square Garden.

I think the worst part for me was the barrage afterward by fellow comics. Like no one has ever offended anyone or ran with a joke because it's fucking funny, even at the expense of a customer's temporarily chapped ass. These are guys I've watched hilariously wreck someone in the crowd at this very place. Not a couple weeks prior, one of these guys verbally gutted some drunken fat hillbilly onstage to a huge crowd. Then two other great comics did the exact same thing. It was a comedic bloodbath. Didn't bother anyone because it was fucking funny. But not to the hillbilly; he ended up getting tossed out on his ear. Had that guy complained, would anyone have cared? 

Yeah, you, Fatso. Get the fuck out.

Again, these jokes were genuinely hilarious. The shit is, my joke to this woman was probably the best I had all night (I had a bunch of new stuff I'm working on so it was not polished yet and yeah whatever fuck you). I got real laughs. Not perfect, needs work, but is the start of a good joke. If the bartender didn't give me a rash of shit for these broads supposedly being his friends (cry me a fucking river, Pussyfart; it's a joke) then these same motherfuckers would've been high-fiving me for that joke, and a few good game ass taps for riling her up so much. 

I'm willing to bet that without the bartender's scolding, they would've thought that her getting flustered and walking out was the best part of the whole fucking set. Instead, I got a couple of Judases telling me what I should do with my comedy because of what? Because some girls got spooked? It wasn't even a goddamn lesbian joke, it was an age vs. looks joke AKA generic material sourced by every comedian that ever existed. If I had known that a 33-year-old vag-pire was so twitchy about age jokes, I would've run with some softball jokes or some other such shit. 

I'm not the best comic in Orlando and certainly not any better than my friends there that night, but don't get on my ass for saying some PG-rated stuff to one person on one night that they (and only they) didn't like and then laugh your balls off when someone else completely rags out the audience in the most vile manner possible, just like you stay doing.

I guess what I am saying is, you never know who is going to sensitive and you can't ever really know..... But that's why I'm not a choir boy and why I was at a dive bar on a Wednesday doing comedy for free. If you like comedy, I would simply suggest a few things: 

• Listen to a few sets from any comic before deciding that you don't like them. Be open to different styles. There are some really beautiful mechanics behind how some comedians say some things. This undercurrent of a comedian's speech is what makes them funny. Trust me. 
• Be aware of your surroundings. The Improv Orlando has some great battered shrimp. But don't go there for the shrimp if you don't like comedy. My point is, if you're at a place only for a drink and a wandering comedian shambles in to tell some jokes, don't park in his\her hawkish gaze or he\she will likely play with you like killer whales play with baby seals. Sit at the bar, away from the stage. Don't sit on your stool at your high-top right in front of me, staring at me hungrily like David Bowie stared at me during Labyrinth. 

No wonder he scored a black supermodel as a wife. Dude's gear is adrift.

• If you're not a comedian, don't give one advice about comedy. That's pretty self-explanatory. Bartenders are tending bar because that's their talent. Comedians tell jokes because they're funny (sometimes). You stick to Captain 'n Cokes and I'll worry about the funny stuff. 
• If you are a comedian, you'd better be pretty fucking funny and popular to be doling out advice. Otherwise, whatever you're doing is working just as well as whatever I'm doing. Advice is only worth relaying to others if you yourself also subscribe to it. 
• I don't give a shit who's friend you are. And neither does any other legitimate comedian. If there is a joke to be made about you, it will likely be made, even if not immediately or directly, by me or someone else. These are the physics of comedy. 
• If you are a lesbian, I don't hate you and hope you don't hate me (fingers crossed for a lipstick-lesbian threesome).  
• If you are a venue, try to understand what you're doing with a comedy night. Odd thing to say, but it's not guaranteed to always be funny every night and there's a good chance that someone will say something that someone else won't like. We have certainly rolled the dice with guest comics that we've hosted. Sheesh. You have to protect the customer base as a business owner, but also be open to other markets for prosperity's sake. Having a comedy night is not unlike a club having a hip-hop night; white guys will avoid that club pretty much at all costs. What I'm saying is that you're not going to get everybody on board every single night, and your flexibility determines your success as a business. 

There's more, I'm sure, but I'm just ranting now. I'll keep doing comedy and rolling the dice on whether I can get a crowd to like me. If not, I'll be in relative obscurity, screaming obscenities at white people in the Ozarks somewhere.