God, I pathetically amuse myself so much...
Me: His kids are really ugly.
Female Friend: Oh my God, that's horrible!
Me: The little one looks like Stephen Hawking.
Female Friend: It's no wonder he left them with their mom, then.
Me: Jesus.
*****
Female Friend: Should I go undercover and find out his penis size?
Me: Only if while you're doing it, you stare into those big-ass Gonzo eyeballs.
Female Friend: (Laughs)
Me: His eyeballs look like two Mike Wazowskis from Monsters, Inc. I feel like they might be like chameleon eyes. They can work independently from one another to track his prey.
Female Friend: You are seriously the funniest person I know!
Me: He is what a baby would look like if Louis C.K. and Jeff Goldbloom were the parents.
