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Author: Mike Maples

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Actual Conversations, Vol. 1

These are completely out of context and do not include the prerequisite or proceeding parts of the conversations that would explain them. This is what makes these very real quotes from actual conversations that I've had so brutally funny to me.

God, I pathetically amuse myself so much...


Me: His kids are really ugly.

Female Friend: Oh my God, that's horrible!
Me: The little one looks like Stephen Hawking. 
Female Friend: It's no wonder he left them with their mom, then.
Me: Jesus.


*****

Female Friend: Should I go undercover and find out his penis size?
Me: Only if while you're doing it, you stare into those big-ass Gonzo eyeballs.
Female Friend: (Laughs)
Me: His eyeballs look like two Mike Wazowskis from Monsters, Inc. I feel like they might be like chameleon eyes. They can work independently from one another to track his prey.
Female Friend: You are seriously the funniest person I know!
Me: He is what a baby would look like if Louis C.K. and Jeff Goldbloom were the parents.

*****


Me:  If big cars equate little penis size, then I should drive the tree-devouring machine from Fern Gully.

Female Friend:  I'm sure it's not that bad.
Me:  I should drive a bulldozer made of biceps.
Female Friend:  Where do you come up with this stuff?
Me:  I should drive a Cruise missile with a bicycle seat and Adrianna Lima.
Female Friend:  Laughs. She is hot.
Me:  I should drive Ecto-1 from the Ghostbusters, but with laser beams that blast holes into the ozone layer. I should drive a garbage truck full of motorcycles.
Female Friend:  Mike, your penis is probably just fine.
Me:  You're probably right. I should just stick to driving a unicycle from a flea circus. Or a go-cart made from old weed-eater parts.

*****

Friend:  You compensate for something with your comedy.

Me:  That's compensation for my lack of a soul. My momma never loved me enough, and I'm gay. And I'm an Eskimo.
Friend:  What does being an Eskimo have to do with anything?
Me:  It's embarrassing and I compensate for that with comedy. 

*****

Female Friend:  I am glad that's one thing about women we can change, the size of our parts, and it's totally acceptable. However, there's nothing worse than unzipping a small trouser snake.
Me:  Not all of your parts change size, though. By the way, you look great in those pics of you in that dress.
Female Friend:  Oh, well, thank you!
Me:  Speaking of organs that change size.

****

Me:  I hope I get rich soon.
Friend:  Money isn't everything. You're not poor.
Me:  No, but I'm not rich. I want to be rich enough to murder someone.
Friend:  That's pretty morbid.
Me:  I don't want to murder anyone, just rich enough to do it if I wanted to and then get away with it. Rich enough that it won't matter because poor people's laws won't apply to me.
Friend:  No one is that rich
(awkward silence)
Me:  Well I don't know the municipality restrictions on those things.

*****

Me:  That guy is the first actual Irishman that I've ever met.
Friend:  He's really Irish?
Me:  Yeah, like Leo in Gangs of New York Irish. 
Friend:  That's a horrible example.
Me:  That's my barometer. Leo on one end and an old-timey policeman from a gangster movie on the other.

*****

Me at a drive-thru:  Yeah, I'll have a number 5, please.
Worker:  Ok, I'll have your total at the window.
(Pull up to the window. It opens and the worker is talking to someone behind her)
Worker:  Hey, don't nobody say nothing.
Me:  That's a triple-negative.
Worker:  Excuse me?
Me:  Triple-negative. As in worse than a double negative. Grammar.
Worker:  No, we don't sell graham crackers. This is a Taco Bell. 
Me:  Yep. Silly me. Thank you.
(As I pull away, I hear something beautiful just before the window closes)
Worker:  That stupid muthafucka wanted GRAHAM CRACKERS!