Author: Mike Maples

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Actual Conversations, Vol. 1

These are completely out of context and do not include the prerequisite or proceeding parts of the conversations that would explain them. This is what makes these very real quotes from actual conversations that I've had so brutally funny to me.

God, I pathetically amuse myself so much...

Me: His kids are really ugly.

Female Friend: Oh my God, that's horrible!
Me: The little one looks like Stephen Hawking. 
Female Friend: It's no wonder he left them with their mom, then.
Me: Jesus.


Female Friend: Should I go undercover and find out his penis size?
Me: Only if while you're doing it, you stare into those big-ass Gonzo eyeballs.
Female Friend: (Laughs)
Me: His eyeballs look like two Mike Wazowskis from Monsters, Inc. I feel like they might be like chameleon eyes. They can work independently from one another to track his prey.
Female Friend: You are seriously the funniest person I know!
Me: He is what a baby would look like if Louis C.K. and Jeff Goldbloom were the parents.