I really wanted to avoid talking about this. Really. I don't think the subject is funny. I'm trying to be a comedian, I know a gaggle of veterans, and I really started this blog to bitch about America. Generally speaking, I wanted to create a space where I could blast American society, our skewed values, our flexible morality, and our complacency. Our politics. Our culture. A place where I could say publicly what I know a lot of the people in my generation are thinking. I had hoped that I could talk about deep things in a light manner, being a "humorist," and all. But to what end?
To change something. Make people think. Even if you disagree, disagree loudly enough so that the world can hear you too and start a dialogue. Most of all, and more selfishly, I wanted to have a voice in this world. But now I see things sliding into a terrifying place.
I watched Chris Stevens' corpse being carried through the streets of Benghazi, Libya. This didn't shake the general American populace as much as it should have, so I'm going to isolate the statement for dramatic effect.
To change something. Make people think. Even if you disagree, disagree loudly enough so that the world can hear you too and start a dialogue. Most of all, and more selfishly, I wanted to have a voice in this world. But now I see things sliding into a terrifying place.
I watched Chris Stevens' corpse being carried through the streets of Benghazi, Libya. This didn't shake the general American populace as much as it should have, so I'm going to isolate the statement for dramatic effect.
US Ambassador to Libya Chris Stevens was MURDERED by a terrorist organization supposedly linked to al-Qa'ida that exploited the opportunity presented by the recent riots in the region and the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks.
I won't get into the details of the news story because I'm not the fucking news. But I am a regular Joe Schmoe and I look around at everyone and all we're talking about is the NFL and Kate Middleton's tits. Now I like tits and football as much as the next guy, but are these really our priorities? You don't have to be into politics in the least to have to pay attention to this story; it has nothing to do with politics. Worded differently, maybe?
An American was murdered by a hail of gunfire, rocket-propelled grenades, and mobs of people upset over a fucking YouTube movie and who would revel in the opportunity to also murder you and your family.
Better? Are you paying attention now? Ok, because I'm finally going to get to the point of what I think you should be paying attention to.
We as a nation spend billions annually in aid to the Middle East to support these nations as they attempt to liberate themselves and become democratic nations. I do, have, and always will support the military and the actions of our Commander-in-Chief even if I disagree with the policies of his presidency and his actions, as I did most recently with President Bush.
Back when that asshole threw his shoes at Bush at that press conference, I screamed at the top of my lungs that the Secret Service should have dragged his ass outside, curb stomp him to near-death, then have his feet cut off by someone who isn't qualified to cut the feet off, thus resolving the shoe-throwing problem he had. And yes, I understand that this is something that our enemies do to us, and we're supposed to be better than that, but fuck. Hey, at least Bush has the reflexes of a Jai-Alai player and didn't get hit. That was some good dodging.
So we pump billions of dollars into the region, and what do we get? A nation of screwballs so sensitive to an under budget YouTube video that they riot in the streets? Burn down some McDonald's and Hardee's (Which only hurts them as these are franchises and owned by locals, you fucking yahoos)? And, although we'll never know how much the people participating in the riot actually participated in the terrorist attack or had knowledge of such plans, they did create an environment where such an attack was possible. So in a way, we funded this massacre.
We as a nation spend billions annually in aid to the Middle East to support these nations as they attempt to liberate themselves and become democratic nations. I do, have, and always will support the military and the actions of our Commander-in-Chief even if I disagree with the policies of his presidency and his actions, as I did most recently with President Bush.
Back when that asshole threw his shoes at Bush at that press conference, I screamed at the top of my lungs that the Secret Service should have dragged his ass outside, curb stomp him to near-death, then have his feet cut off by someone who isn't qualified to cut the feet off, thus resolving the shoe-throwing problem he had. And yes, I understand that this is something that our enemies do to us, and we're supposed to be better than that, but fuck. Hey, at least Bush has the reflexes of a Jai-Alai player and didn't get hit. That was some good dodging.
So we pump billions of dollars into the region, and what do we get? A nation of screwballs so sensitive to an under budget YouTube video that they riot in the streets? Burn down some McDonald's and Hardee's (Which only hurts them as these are franchises and owned by locals, you fucking yahoos)? And, although we'll never know how much the people participating in the riot actually participated in the terrorist attack or had knowledge of such plans, they did create an environment where such an attack was possible. So in a way, we funded this massacre.
Are we still supporting the region financially in light of these recent attacks? Yes. Will we continue to do so? Yes. Is this because of oil? No (hint: we don't get the majority of our oil from the Middle East. I wish the people on my side of the aisle would quit saying this. C'mon dummies! Get your poop in a group).
We do it because: a) our government doesn't really give us the full accounting of where all of our money is going. Can I get an itemized bill, please? And b) most Americans could give a shit. This is the heartbreaking part.
Most Americans are more worried about Justin Bieber (OMG he's 18 and doesn't have a special-ed haircut anymore! LOL! ;) JK JK JK!) or Kim Kardashian (need I say more?) and fantasy football to worry about this. Because Chris Stevens wasn't a celebrity and he wasn't related to the majority of us, so who cares? The Voice is on, motherfucker!
We do it because: a) our government doesn't really give us the full accounting of where all of our money is going. Can I get an itemized bill, please? And b) most Americans could give a shit. This is the heartbreaking part.
Most Americans are more worried about Justin Bieber (OMG he's 18 and doesn't have a special-ed haircut anymore! LOL! ;) JK JK JK!) or Kim Kardashian (need I say more?) and fantasy football to worry about this. Because Chris Stevens wasn't a celebrity and he wasn't related to the majority of us, so who cares? The Voice is on, motherfucker!
I care. I will always care. Ambassador Stevens gave his life representing you and your sorry ass to a group of people who really don't care for us. He didn't tell them about all the porn you watch, or the time you waste watching TV and getting fat. He didn't tell them how we are some of the least patriotic people in the world, unless there's a national catastrophe. Ambassador Stevens was a hero and you should care, too. And those who died to aid and protect him, Foreign Service Officer Sean Smith, former Navy SEAL Glen Doherty, and former SEAL and paramedic Tyrone Woods should be regarded as the brightest examples of servants of their country and the embodiment of heroism.
I have written to my congressman, mayor, governor, Senator, and the White House to express my opinion about this. Have you? I would get on any forum, anytime, anywhere, at any cost to express my disgust and push for change. I would fight to right these wrongs. If this bothers you too, what are you doing to let your voice be heard?
To this end, I think/hope that this blog will change something. For too long now, we as Americans (myself included) have sat by the wayside and disagreed from the comfort of our couches as politicians that "we," supposedly "elect," shape the country into a profiteering malignancy that serves their particular agendas and not those of the people.
When Bush Jr., Cheney, and Rumsfeld lied to us on national TV about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and Saddam's funding of terrorism, we got angry but didn't budge. Here are some Rumsfeld-isms that should make you insane. They were publicly televised. If I said any of this bullshit to employees at my job, I'd expect to be fired.
To this end, I think/hope that this blog will change something. For too long now, we as Americans (myself included) have sat by the wayside and disagreed from the comfort of our couches as politicians that "we," supposedly "elect," shape the country into a profiteering malignancy that serves their particular agendas and not those of the people.
When Bush Jr., Cheney, and Rumsfeld lied to us on national TV about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and Saddam's funding of terrorism, we got angry but didn't budge. Here are some Rumsfeld-isms that should make you insane. They were publicly televised. If I said any of this bullshit to employees at my job, I'd expect to be fired.
"I can't tell you if the use of force in Iraq today would last five days, or five weeks, or five months, but it certainly isn't going to last any longer than that." -Interview with Steve Croft, Infinity CBS Radio Connect, November 14, 2002
"I don't believe anyone that I know in the administration ever said that Iraq had nuclear weapons." -At a hearing of the Senate's appropriations subcommittee on defense, May 14, 2003
"I'm not into this detail stuff. I'm more concepty." -Interview with the Washington Post January 09, 2002. And "concepty" is not a real fucking word.
"We know where they [Iraq's WMD] are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south, and north somewhat." -Interview with George Stephanopoulos on ABC News This Week, March 30, 2003
"We do have a saying in America: if you're in a hole, stop digging ..... erm, I'm not sure I should have said that."
Is this not an example of a Confederacy of Dunces? How 'bout tyranny? I'm not going to do some leftist Hitler comparison, but when your government uses your money and your children to invade another country that had nothing to do with why we are in the region in the first place, you should have been scared. And not of terrorists, either.
Listen, we'll never stop terror. As long as there have been humans, there have been terrorists. The Trojan horse was a terrorist attack. The Irish Republican Army has long been considered a terrorist group in the UK. We can't change people's minds about things, just as our minds won't be changed either. Much like identity theft, if someone is persistent in attacking you there is really nothing you can do about it. A good defense is better than a strong offense says me and Super Bowl champions.
Babysitting the world and forcing our money and ideas onto them has not and will not ever work. The most we can do is inform them about ourselves and our beliefs and should pay them the same respect. Even if you don't agree with Islam or its people and choose not to like them or interact with them, at least make that an informed decision and not a blind one with which Rush Limbaugh lobotomized you.
What we can also do is stop funding these countries. We have enough financial problems here and don't need to be propping up the Egyptian, Afghan, and Iraqi governments (among others) just to have them go right back to the way they used to be 10 years from now and hating us the whole way there. It's not our job to make the world like us or change their minds and beliefs. Could they do that to you? No? Then why are you paying to have it done to them?
We are literally trying to make them do something by force, just as they do to us. Would you get so mad at a YouTube video made by an Egyptian about the Pope that you'd storm the Egyptian embassy in Washington D.C. and kill their ambassador and any other asshole who stumbled out? Riot for weeks, destroying your own cities? No, because that would be fucking retarded. So why reason with, or support, retarded foreign nations?
Annihilate the people responsible for attacking us, dismantle and obliterate every individual and organization who contributed to the attack, and punish nations who are too lazy or careless to do this for themselves by pulling a Cuba on them: don't buy any of their shit, don't sell them any of our shit, and certainly don't give them any shit for free. Save the machines of full-scale ware for when we actually need it. Like for some take-over-the-world crazy shit.
Listen, we'll never stop terror. As long as there have been humans, there have been terrorists. The Trojan horse was a terrorist attack. The Irish Republican Army has long been considered a terrorist group in the UK. We can't change people's minds about things, just as our minds won't be changed either. Much like identity theft, if someone is persistent in attacking you there is really nothing you can do about it. A good defense is better than a strong offense says me and Super Bowl champions.
Babysitting the world and forcing our money and ideas onto them has not and will not ever work. The most we can do is inform them about ourselves and our beliefs and should pay them the same respect. Even if you don't agree with Islam or its people and choose not to like them or interact with them, at least make that an informed decision and not a blind one with which Rush Limbaugh lobotomized you.
What we can also do is stop funding these countries. We have enough financial problems here and don't need to be propping up the Egyptian, Afghan, and Iraqi governments (among others) just to have them go right back to the way they used to be 10 years from now and hating us the whole way there. It's not our job to make the world like us or change their minds and beliefs. Could they do that to you? No? Then why are you paying to have it done to them?
We are literally trying to make them do something by force, just as they do to us. Would you get so mad at a YouTube video made by an Egyptian about the Pope that you'd storm the Egyptian embassy in Washington D.C. and kill their ambassador and any other asshole who stumbled out? Riot for weeks, destroying your own cities? No, because that would be fucking retarded. So why reason with, or support, retarded foreign nations?
Annihilate the people responsible for attacking us, dismantle and obliterate every individual and organization who contributed to the attack, and punish nations who are too lazy or careless to do this for themselves by pulling a Cuba on them: don't buy any of their shit, don't sell them any of our shit, and certainly don't give them any shit for free. Save the machines of full-scale ware for when we actually need it. Like for some take-over-the-world crazy shit.
The enemies of America who wish to do us harm will be brought to justice. And by "brought to justice," I mean be blasted into something resembling Wendy's chili by an unmanned Predator drone attack along with all of their friends, wives, and children the way God intended, amen. Or systematically given a third nostril on their forehead by a Navy SEAL team who specializes in blowing up their ride on the way in because they like to jog, then shooting your fucking wife because she looked like she was moving...maybe...kinda.
This is how Obama does it, it's how we should have always been doing it (do you hear that, Bush/Cheney?), and it seems to be working pretty fucking well. Right, bin Laden? To quote one of my prophets, John Stewart, (as I have no religion), "Nothing takes the romance out of an Afghan circle-jerk like a red, white, and blue ass-hammer."
The people of these nations all say that they want us out, and they certainly don't deserve our help, time, or money we invest in their mostly-shitty nations. Will the region destabilize? Probably. Has it ever been stable? No, because cavemen can't stabilize nations as they're still trying to crack this wheel thing.
What about all of the people there who do like us, want our help, and need us there? Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. They wouldn't send us two monkeys fucking a football if we needed it, so I could give a shit if the whole nation starves to death. Not my country, not my problem. Not OUR problem.
This is how Obama does it, it's how we should have always been doing it (do you hear that, Bush/Cheney?), and it seems to be working pretty fucking well. Right, bin Laden? To quote one of my prophets, John Stewart, (as I have no religion), "Nothing takes the romance out of an Afghan circle-jerk like a red, white, and blue ass-hammer."
The people of these nations all say that they want us out, and they certainly don't deserve our help, time, or money we invest in their mostly-shitty nations. Will the region destabilize? Probably. Has it ever been stable? No, because cavemen can't stabilize nations as they're still trying to crack this wheel thing.
What about all of the people there who do like us, want our help, and need us there? Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. They wouldn't send us two monkeys fucking a football if we needed it, so I could give a shit if the whole nation starves to death. Not my country, not my problem. Not OUR problem.
So would the world be different on the Maples plan? Yeah, there will be less young Americans with one leg or no legs, less young children holding the folded flags from their fathers' coffins as they are laid to rest. More money for Americans to spend on America (hey, how 'bout health care!?!?! "Yes we can" afford it if we stop going all over the goddamn world pissing in everyone's ear about what we think they should do while we point a gun at them).
More people would actually join the military because they wouldn't have to participate in a war that no-fucking-body agreed with the moment we shifted focus to Iraq. The only bad thing is that we may have to pay more money for heroin as the majority of the opium for our drugs comes from Afghanistan. Hey, you've got to take the bad with the good.
But what about the people? Don't they deserve our help? I know Ambassador Stevens thought so. But Ambassador Stevens is dead, and at their hand.
So fuck them.
More people would actually join the military because they wouldn't have to participate in a war that no-fucking-body agreed with the moment we shifted focus to Iraq. The only bad thing is that we may have to pay more money for heroin as the majority of the opium for our drugs comes from Afghanistan. Hey, you've got to take the bad with the good.
But what about the people? Don't they deserve our help? I know Ambassador Stevens thought so. But Ambassador Stevens is dead, and at their hand.
So fuck them.
