Therapy, vol. 3: Crux

I'm a big sissy when it comes to being alone. That said, I have entered many relationships in my life and considered "the M word" with a few of them (only pulled the trigger twice... just to be sure). Here is what I've collected about marriage over the years.

I am the product of divorced parents. My parents were only married for a few years before calling it quits when I was four years old. Both went on to marry the people that they are still married to today, more than 20 years later. 

So why do people stick it out in horrible, unhappy marriages? I got advice from someone one time, and their words were as follows:

"It will work out. [It] just takes strength and trust in yourselves, and everything will fall into place."

Followed immediately by a quick bit about their own relationship:

"I am just waiting until his family dies before I make my final decision [on divorce] as the amount of money I will get half of. Sounds sad, but I won’t have to worry about money again and could retire earlier than 65. That’s for sure."

So basically, fuck it. It's a crapshoot, anyway.

I know that ideally, marriage is forever. Adversely, many things that are supposed to be long-term don't have to be. Would you want to continue driving the same hoopty car that you drove in high school now if it was still running, albeit very shittily (I just made that word up, and I own it now motherfuckers)?

The answer is no. You moved on and got something better for a good reason. Something more in tune with your tastes. Something that likely doesn't have a bent seat spring that pokes your scrotum every time you sit down, rolling the dice on a balls-borne tetanus infection.

Marriage is an institution created by men to instill some moral boundaries on the heathens, but we aren't heathens anymore (for the most part). What about getting what you want out of life? What if you change and you want something that is more along the lines of the new(er) you? Should you be shackled to the bonds of this antiquated practice forever just because you rattled through some promises written by fuddy-duddies two thousand years ago? Religion and human laws don't think so, thus the back door: divorce. Unless you're Catholic, of course, because divorce and condoms were born in the same part of Hell to you guys. 

You wear a pair of underwear. You love it for a while. It may be the last pair of underwear that you ever want to own. But what if it rips, or starts cutting into your ever-expanding waistline? Certainly, it doesn't want to have to cope with your changes or it will start to rip at the seams, wear out at the elastic band. It starts becoming something that it was never made to be. 

Thus, you may choose to get a different pair of underwear. This one fits better, doesn't pinch or sag. Maybe this one is just right. Maybe not; maybe it will irritate your asshole or you will slim down and it doesn't fit you anymore. Time will tell if a third pair is in order.

What I am saying is that shit happens sometimes, according to Forrest Gump. People may initially feel one way about a relationship, then, later on, they find out that it was not what they thought or they have changed their line of thinking. Buyer's remorse. This isn't always about leaving a bad partner for a better one, no matter what those Lifetime movies say. It is about finding someone that truly makes the person that you are now happy. 

If you are divorced, you may not have been a bad partner. Perhaps just not the right one at the right time. That's not your fault, and you shouldn't see it as the other party's, either. Unfortunately, one never knows at exactly what point in their life they will find this person and may second-guess themselves all the time no matter what decision they make.

Many Americans enter a marriage in the youthful, ignorant mindset that "this is it for me," not knowing that there is still a lot of life left to live. It's a catch-22: you marry this person and possibly miss out on a person who is a better fit, or you don't marry this person and hold your breath hoping that there is someone else better. Russian roulette. 

We make decisions, we make mistakes, we stumble, we fall, we try to pick ourselves up again.

To me, that's what life is, for better or worse. You build sand castles knowing that the tide will take them one day. All you can do is try to build a better one when the tide recedes again and hope that the waves are smaller tomorrow.

If you are miserable, you're better off saying so and moving on rather than repairing the scaffolding on a shabby marriage if it is truly not working. Therapy works for some. Communication works for others. But for your own sake, please understand that if you have to make so many concessions to shoe-horn (I love that phrase) a marriage into the realm of functionality that you are no longer yourself and are miserable, it is not worth the effort in the least. You only get one shot at life, and there is most likely no Heaven or Hell to go to when you're dead (capitalized just in case that there is), so this is it. Might as well live it up and make the most of it with whoever strikes your fancy.

The biggest crock in marriage advice is when someone says, "they've always supported you," not knowing anything about the inner workings of a relationship. Keep your own shit together before doling out anything that can be construed as criticism.

To your unaware point: don't confuse mere presence with support. Partners tolerate, but many do not actually support. There are so many things some partners want their significant others to be, so much that they want the other to change, that they seem to be describing other people entirely rather than small tweaks to the same person.

Then again, the biggest crock in marriage advice is reading the blog of a miserable, twice-married bastard like me.

Damn. I'm so insightful and simultaneously hypocritical, I can't fucking stand it.