American Homeowner

This is a letter that I just sent to my HOA. I am posting it here as a sample of what to expect for all of you would-be home buyers out there, as well as an example of how you probably shouldn't respond to an HOA.

Simply put: don't buy a home in a neighborhood with an HOA. What they purport to contribute to the neighborhood almost never outweighs the personal freedoms (and money) that they strip from you. Mind you, the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Read on...
Dear Mr. Notmyproblem,

Just short of stapling white garbage bags to my front door windows to make the nagging letters from the HOA stop, I have ordered a $200 custom white curtain for the front door of my home [per the HOA's insistence]. So please don't sue me, OK? It will arrive sometime this week or the beginning of next week. I'll subtract that money from my HOA dues since these are the HOA's curtains, not mine.

Also, the most recent letter mentioned that this is all part of an effort to "maintain a standard" throughout the neighborhood. Of note, basic observation would quickly reveal that having a white curtain will set me far apart from the rest of the neighborhood, as none of my neighbors (nor anyone in my vicinity) has anything that could even be construed as white hanging from their front doors.

How about we maintain a standard of no dog shit on the grass and sidewalks every six feet so that my kid can go play outside without my having to scrape turds out of the treads of his shoes from dogs that don't belong to me yet repeatedly crap in front of my house and mailbox. Can we make that a standard, or does dog shit contribute to the black column of those property value numbers that you mentioned in your letter?

I'd love for someone to explain to me how having a white door curtain brings up the property values of my home when they won't match the color scheme of the neighborhood at all. The burgundy one that I currently have does match this weird Navajo adobe color scheme, however, as it is the same exact color as my shutters, which were painted by the HOA. Furthermore, my property value has doubled since I bought my home, despite my ghastly red curtain! The humanity! I can't wait to see a tripling of those figures now that I have ordered the coveted white curtain to adorn the front of my burnt-orange and burgundy townhome with.

Do you have actual monetary figures on how these front door curtains impact property values that I can review, or was that just an unfounded claim by the HOA simply to exert its will and appear like it is actually doing something besides increasing monthly dues to purchase insanely large palm trees for the pool area? I do, however, understand the purchase of such large trees. Perhaps they will disguise the perpetually near-empty retention moat in the center of the neighborhood where the canine residents of [this neighborhood] choose not to do their excretory business in lieu of shitting near my doorstep. And to think, we could have made the horrible mistake of installing garbage cans or animal waste bag dispensers every ten feet with all of that palm tree money!

I mention these things because the nightly party noise, animal litter, and the dozens of parked cars lining the streets certainly do impact neighborhood perception and property values, yet nothing has been done to deter any of this. And in all seriousness, the authorization made by the HOA to allow a cell phone provider to build a cell phone tower within the grounds of [this neighborhood] actually does affect the property values in an overwhelmingly negative way. Unless, of course, future home buyers are looking for a home that promotes the unexplained loss of hair, cancerous growths, and the birth of children with tentacles.

I'm just glad that I could help and do my part to squash the treacherous privacy of my home by purchasing something "sheer" to cover my front door with. Please do not hesitate to contact me if there are any more dastardly violations on my property that I am not aware of, especially ones like this that pertain to the inside of my goddamned home, such as the color of my walls, perhaps. Stop by anytime to peer through my new sheer door coverings and perhaps have the glorious opportunity to see me naked.

A Satisfied Resident,

Mike Maples