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Author: Mike Maples

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Therapy, vol. 4: Adulthood

Adulthood. It sucks unilaterally. I know that in my heart, but then why does everyone need me to control these things? It's like, "Hey, Mike, I could help you with this, or just do it myself. I know it is really my responsibility, or at least our joint responsibility, but I'm going to go ahead and leave it to you." And that's not about marriage. It's everything. I'm an ambitious, hard-working bulldog that gets shit done. Everyone sees that and lays more bricks on the pile for me, knowing I'll take care of it or die trying.

It would be nice to just drop the fucking bricks. 
I'm not sure why I look at everything through such a dark lens, other than the realities of life are so burdensome for modern adults. My problems aren't as bad as they could be, certainly. But they are uniquely mine, and I feel like all of the soul has been sucked out of me by them.

Adulthood is when I realized that I wasn't all of those awesome things that I used to be a few years ago. I had the time to invest in such things. The whole world is ahead of you when you're approaching adulthood; full of wonder and amazement. The people that you'll meet, the relationships that you'll have, the equally crushing dissolution of those relationships; all are experienced that will go into the as-yet empty book of you.

And kids! Oh, having a kid is the best thing in the world. Having a kid forces adulthood upon you, like it or not (if you're not a piece of shit). But at the same time, having a kid is the bucket of cold water that makes you face the fact that your pursuits are mostly over. You are now forever in the service of the next generation of you. 

You will work to feed them, clothe them. Your hobbies will be hauling them around to their functions or maintaining their standard of living. You'll fix your house, have the occasional barbecue with your old friends, complete with awkward silences where throat-lumps occur as you all reflect on the days that are gone and will never return.

In the end, I want to be the creative, thoughtful, curious guy that I used to be. The fun guy. The romantic guy. That's not to say irresponsible. I also kind of enjoy how much of a reclusive sociopath I am. That imbalance is odd. And I don't know if those days are forever gone, and that I must forge a new path with new dreams befitting of the life I've made.

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