2014

Since there are never too many posts about New Year's Day about people's resolutions on social media, and because I know you are just dying to hear mine, I thought I'd throw this post together. You are welcome.

I introduced myself to 2014 by performing at Latitude 30 in Jacksonville, FL. I did a 30-minute set as a feature for my friend and headliner of the evening, Jersey. It wasn't technically supposed to be 30 minutes, but I was on a roll, everyone was having a great time, and Jersey had more time to comb his chinstrap.

I had a good time and got to talk about comedy and whatnot with some new acquaintances, all the while wishing I was home and already in bed (because I am so cool, a new year can wait until morning to see me). So it was a great night, needless to say.

But back at the hotel, I had some alone time post-self-coitus to reflect on what I actually wanted to do in 2014. I'm not big on making resolutions as they often don't work out for me or anyone else I know. That's because life happens and things change a lot throughout the course of the year.

2013 was pretty big for me. It is a few weeks out from my son's third birthday, I got my useless Bachelors degree, and started a new chapter in my comedy life: I have begun to make some (meager, as in fucking meager) money doing it, come a little closer to knowing what I want to say on stage, and have seemingly found "my voice," the proverbial chupacabra of stand-up comedy.

I wanted to write this post simply as a grocery list for myself of things that I have to get done in 2014, starting today. Making it a public blog post creates some sort of accountability to the list because others will see it. That is if anyone actually reads any of the editorial diarrhea that I post here.

Now that I think about it, who the hell cares to know my opinions on the entertainment industry, stand-up comedy, my first time touring, adult education, teenage suicide, Obamacare, gun control, maturity, vaccination, sexism against men, gay rights, Libya, international travel, or gay marriage?

(I apologize for that uncontrolled, shameless, and thinly-veiled plugging in an attempt to get you to read my other favorite posts and up my readership. Writing has always been my first love, eventually leading to my doing stand-up comedy. More on that soon...)

After marinating my ideas in Wild Turkey and Adderall, I came up with a potent, yet somewhat attainable, list of resolutions for myself for 2014.

Resolution #1: Be a better father.

This shouldn't have to be a resolution for any father, but for many, it should be. Now, I don't think that I'm a bad father by any stretch of the imagination. I think I'm a goddamn great father (other than accidentally teaching my son how to say "goddamn").

His mom taught him how to kick a man in the face when distracted.

But I am really lazy when it comes to the family thing. Between comedy and my day job, I work a lot. In turn, I am not home as much as I'd like to be. When I am home, I am often tired and don't want to do anything or go anywhere, or I have a week's worth of things I need to catch up on (home maintenance, car care, bills, groceries, etc.).

What I don't make enough time for is sitting on the floor with my son and pushing some Hot Wheels around. I don't take him out for a ride on his bike as often as I'd like to. I don't have his energy or his spirit, and he doesn't have the grim nihilism that I possess that would make all of this much more compatible. And that has to change on my end.

I do play dodge-rock to make a man out of him. 

I can't expect him to not be a kid, and I need to do more to get on his level. Maybe being a little younger at heart would do me well. A subsidiary resolution to this one would be to simply be outside more. Dying from the cancers and inherent dangers of the outside world is much more exciting than those one encounters indoors.

And speaking of not having his energy...

Resolution #2: Get my body back.

For those of you that know me, you know that I used to be in decent shape. As a fat kid growing up, I hated it and developed the skill of making others laugh to divert attention from my appearance or to disarm girls so that they would have sex with me despite our tits.

Fast-forward to 2006. I got out of the military and took to self-abuse. No, no, not drugs. Hardee's. Burgers and fries and shakes and whatever the fuck else I had half a craving for. Hard-drinking and late eating and/or dating bulimics who could keep up with my appetite kept taking its toll on me, albeit gradually as I was still young.

Then the metabolism slowed. My diet didn't. Long/short, I was getting fatter faster. I decided to change that. I went full-tilt in the other direction and went on a health bender of clean eating and daily exercise brutality. It was great.

With a nice body comes baby oil.

That's no Brad Pitt in Fight Club, but it was me at around 180 pounds, versus the 249 I was at my maximum fatness. School got harder, the kid became more mobile, and I fell behind on my body maintenance. I haven't yet reached my former level of disgusting obesity, but I have discovered that my tit-buds are growing faster than they used to.

I have to drink less (and simultaneously figure out how to still my trembling hands), eat less, eat healthier, and work out every day religiously. If I don't, my superhuman capacity for procrastination destroys whatever I'm doing.

Resolution #3: Be a better comedian...

...says every comic alive, secretly and to themselves. We are a somewhat arrogant lot that put up a facade that says that we're almost always funny and if you don't like our brand, you're probably just not smart enough for it. But in reality, comedians are easily the most self-critical, self-aware, self-loathing people on Earth.

This resolution is an amalgam of several items that I am shooting for in 2014 related to my comedy "career." Some are less realistic than others, but then again, so was the idea of accomplishing all that I have thus far in comedy in the touch over two years that I have been doing it. So eat shit, basically.

The main things I'm reaching for are:

1. Make more money via comedy.
2. Make enough from comedy to fund the associated fees for a non-profit organization (NPO)
3. Write more blogs
4. Perform out-of-state
5. Make a hipster laugh.

For the first one, the motives are simple: the job market is really slapping me in the dick. My day job is a great one, but not much in the way of money. My employer knows this, so they have me by the short 'n curlies because of the market still kind of blows.

"Want more money? Move on, then."

"Want a better position? Move on then." 

It's really the equivalent to what I remember of the script of Swept Away: "If you don't like this desert island, I've got two choices for you. First, you fuck me. Or the second, I bang you on the head with a coconut, then I'll fuck you." (I think that's how it went, but don't quote me.)

However, I'm slowly drowning myself in debt. Pretty soon, it's either work at Taco Bell or make more money doing what I love. No, not porno-magic or Batman-philosophizing, I mean comedy. Since comedy is the only release I have that keeps me from Hunter S. Thompson-ing (fuck you, verbs), and because of the Fatty McLovehandles problems I mentioned in resolution #2, the better choice is comedy. Me working at Taco Bell would be like Courtney Love working at a heroin-flavored cock dispensary.

Although it would be ideal to be able to do it full-time and support my lifestyle, that isn't realistic. Instead, I'd like to make enough to call a "supplementary income." Meaning, more than the beer money that I make from comedy currently. So, I have to continue to work hard, get funnier, and get noticed to even get a shot at getting more paid gigs. And then, maybe, I can do number two.

I have long done as much as I can to support the homeless, the underprivileged, the sick, and those who have served us (veterans). It is my hope that I can secure enough money this year to start my own NPO that assists US military veterans, children, the homeless, and the terminally ill. I have long said that "I want to leave my fingerprint on the world," and I want that to be a good thing, not a "serial flasher" way.

I'll post more about the NPO as a get my poop in a group.

I am writing more blogs because I have so much shitty material that was born to be comedy routines but ended up not fitting in anywhere. Mostly political rants or criticisms of society, and observational, opinionated word-salad. But I love it and have gotten a lot of positive feedback encouraging me to continue. Writing does help me come up with new jokes for the stage, and it also pushes me to complete a fiction novel that I have been working on for the better part of a decade. 

The next one is pretty simple: I want to tour again and make sure to play in Indiana. I am originally from Indy, and it has been a long time since I've been back. What better way for the prodigal son to return than on the wings of vagina jokes and the "C" word in front of old friends and family members? I have no comedy connections there so this one will be tough. But fuck it, I've got a year, right?

And lastly, hipsters are motherfuckers that vex me verily. They don't seem to like me, although they're gradually warming up to the idea of at least smiling weakly at me.

I will make one laugh. Then I'll drop the mic because then I'm at least as funny as Zooey Deschanel.