Now, I lean more towards the idea that people come to me as much for advice as to confirm that when they might be having a problem, there is someone out there who has a knack for bad decisions, good insight, and communication. See also: someone who has a more disastrous path through life than they do. Me.
This is the first post in what will be an ongoing collection of conversations with friends bouncing shit off of one another so that we can better understand ourselves. I should have done more with my life.
(sigh)
The following is the middle of a conversation with a friend who, at the time, was having a hard time getting over an ex. Texting, calling, etc.
Friend: You would be proud of me, I saw my ex last night while I was picking up food, and I didn't even go home with him.
Me (wondering why I'd be proud of, or care about, something that asinine): Well that's good. Did you stop and talk to him?
Friend: Yes, we were both ordering to go. I don't hate the guy, so instead of making it weird and sitting across the bar, I sat next to him for about 30 minutes. That was a big step for me.
Me: Yeah, like ol' buddies. Didn't this guy treat you like shit? If you ordered it to go, you could've left and come back.
Friend: Yeah, but I am still proud of myself for not giving in, so fuck you!
Me: Well, good for you, I guess. But you're still doing exactly what you're not supposed to be doing in order to get over an ex, like not communicating with him. Don't pat yourself on the back too much because you didn't make a horrible decision, just a bad one. So fuck you.
Friend: Ugh, well I think it made me see that I could do it. And I proved it to myself. It took a lot of strength to go home alone and cry to "The Big C" and go an empty bed when I know I could have been with someone... but I see what you are saying. I am doing my best and I am not as insensitive or strong as you, meaning men.
Me: I see what you mean and know that you get what I'm saying. I also know from experience that I can survive a horrible car accident that should have killed me. That doesn't mean that I'm going to start drag racing without a seatbelt after bonging a handle of Stoli.
In your situation, you had absolute confirmation from a string of messages as to the location of the ex that you're trying to get over, a rare thing, and instead of walking away and doing what the fuck ever, you mosey up like a cowboy to see how brass your balls are. You didn't have to "make it weird," by sitting across the bar from him. You could have gone somewhere else and come back when your food was actually ready. But women are masochists.
Friend: I had not even ordered yet. I order at the bar, have my wine, and take my food home. "Like a cowboy?" Ha! Well, regardless, I went home alone. I am not, and haven't been, talking to him since.
Me: We're talking semantics here. You didn't have to stay for half an hour, drinking wine and shooting the shit with your ex. You can justify it to yourself however you like; you're only wrecking your own emotions. He's not my ex-boyfriend for a reason, he's your ex-boyfriend for a reason.
The truth is, you did this because you are lonely and want a connection with someone without the effort of getting to know someone new. Here's a guy that treats you like utter shit from an emotional standpoint and is someone whom you both know isn't right for you, but all of this doesn't matter. He's right there.
So you have wine and leave, thinking that you're hot shit because you didn't completely fuck up and bang him, but still having spent time with someone whom you have an emotional investment in and temporarily satisfying your bloodlust for companionship and validation as a viable partner. But if seeing him there wasn't something meaningful to you, you wouldn't have started talking to me about it. You wouldn't have had a second thought about it.
Despite all of this, I'm not trying to bring you down. I want you to be realistic with yourself and not support a false sense of accomplishment for something that wasn't truly accomplished. I'm not walking around patting myself on the back because I passed 15 banks and didn't rob them; I only walked in and fired a gun in the air, then left. It's still unwise, just maybe not as unwise.
Friend: I am not strong then. I also keep getting date invites and no one ever follows through. Guys just want to fuck me. It is depressing, so no, I am not avoiding getting to know someone new. It just isn't happening. For example: an incredibly hot guy asked me for my number on Sunday, we chatted Sunday night and Monday, and I haven't heard from him since.
Me: Yeah, you are avoiding it in a roundabout, self-flagellating way. This defeatist attitude is stopping you before you start. "No one ever follows through," "guys just want to fuck me," and that lot. It is the completely wrong attitude for ever finding someone. You're going into everything ready for them not to talk to you, only wanting to fuck you, and other standoff-ish positions. Guys do pick up on that and become disinterested very quickly, despite the female belief that we are emotionally stunted gorillas who cannot sense anything that isn't wrapped around our dicks.
And guess what? Despite your hotness and awesome personality, most men do not want to be with you. Otherwise, you'd be with most men. We all would be with most people if we could. This is true of every human being on Earth. There are plenty of compatibilities out there, but it's not going to be every swinging dick that gets your number. You need to be cool with that and understand that. You are not right for a lot of guys but are perfect for a few of them. The same is true for everyone.
The only way that we come to know this is by allowing ourselves to be known by others and getting to know other people in turn. Like when exchanging numbers, meeting in a club, etc. At that point, we're running on strictly the physical aspect and obviously, yes, we want to fuck you. But we don't know at that point if we want to date you or not. We don't even know you yet.
Lots of things go into whether or not a man wants to date a woman, least of all fucking her. Talking, hanging out, doing things; they're all on the list. It only takes a conversation or two for a guy to know whether he wants to know more about you. If they don't call back, then they know enough to determine that you are not right for them. Don't get butt-hurt about it. It's just life.
You know that dudebro isn't right for you because you got to know him and know that he's an asshole. There are good matches out there, but it's a process of elimination. You must have a different mindset than you do currently in order to make it work. Also, please note that until you have excluded your ex and the emotional ties with him that you refuse to cut, every man will pick up on it and no man will want to be a part of it. And you won't truly be ready to take on dating until you've done so as well.
Friend: I certainly feel like shit now.
Me: Dammit, I didn't want to do that. I just don't want you to get hurt, which is what domineering fathers say, I realize. I only wanted to offer a third-party observation.
Hey, you came to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment