Dutch Amnesia

While perusing the dregs of social media article links, I ran across an interview with Ann Coulter on Piers Morgan's show, which you can see here. As always with Ms. Coulter, it was mostly an argument stuffed with some Ross Perot-like "can I finish my sentence" moments in the place of valid counterpoints in sentence form. However, it made me reflect on the legalization of marijuana argument, and each side's take on it from the point of view of a non-smoker pot-sympathizer (which I am, I promise) (prospective employers). 

Let me preface this post by admitting something personal and biased: to me, Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin are in a league of their own. And by that, I mean a league comprised of schoolteacher-hot, grossly ignorant conservative broads who argue for the sake of argument, shying away from the utilization of paltry things like science, fact, or common sense. To me, the very appearance of either woman negates the causes that they are appearing to support.

Oh, you thought I knew facts because I have an Adam's apple? Understandable.

If Ms. I'm-Just-Making-This-Shit-Up-As-I-Go's argument against the legalization of pot is "I have lazy friends who smoke pot, so they obviously can't hold down real jobs," then here is my counter-argument: I have a friend who consistently dominates every Japanese teenager in Call of Duty, specifically when he's high. Impressive, I know. And just as idiotic.

Pot-smoking gamer nerds are the kind of people that we need flying our Predator drones. The last effective President that we've had smoked pot, too. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Coulter. Spark a bowl and loosen up.

I want the pundits and fuddy-duddies to at least throw a fact or two against legalization into the fray so that we can have an intelligent discussion about it. Americans seem to resemble Middle Eastern cultures a lot more than they'd like to believe. What I mean is this; just because we have done something the same way for a long time does not mean that we shouldn't review our Constitution and values every now and then to make sure that they are still reflective of the current state of the Union. 

Near as I can tell, the naysayers no longer have a valid reason for banning marijuana. Two states have proven so far that smoking pot recreationally, much less medically, will not crush the economy, create legions of criminals, flood our streets and schools with drugs, serve as a gateway to cocaine and heroin, invoke God's wrath, cause gayness, attract hostile aliens, or whatever the fuck else their insane arguments are. 

Please, do not say that weed is more dangerous than alcohol or smoking tobacco. This is immensely false to the point of laughable. You cannot overdose on pot. Technically, not on tobacco either. You definitely could die from overdosing on alcohol says preliminary research at numerous college campuses (hold my beer, Broseph). Being high on pot does not make you dangerous to anyone except Cheetos and those lacking patience. Getting shitfaced drunk does make you hazardous to everyone, especially a fat girl's womb after last call.

And your car-owning buddy. And your orthodontist. 

You can do everything high on pot that you could do completely sober, only happier. This is not true for alcohol. So you conservatives need to cook up another rallying cry. By this same asinine line of thought, we should also lower the legal drinking age to 14 so that God can sort 'em out on the roads and thereby lower the burden on our Social Security and Medicare systems (Coulter said exactly this about smokers in the aforementioned video clip). While we're at it, let's make it easier to get our hands on guns, since you conservatives love them so much and because they definitely don't result in anyone's death.

As American society progresses in a somewhat forward trajectory (despite our still-rabid fascination with guns and oppressing all non-white non-hetero non-males), we are beginning to have the arguments and legislation that we should be having. Americans have done the research and found that the prohibition of marijuana has only overcrowded our prisons with nonviolent offenders, spurred us into a "war on drugs" that has only served to drain the taxpayers of staggering amounts of money without a singular deterring effect on drug-related crimes, and caused drug cartels south of our borders to reach a near-unlimited level of power that grips entire nations with incredible violence.

Furthermore, scientific research has found that the benefits of marijuana are many. Pot is an appetite stimulant, antiemetic, antispasmodic, has some analgesic effects, may be helpful in treating chronic non-cancerous pain, vomiting, and nausea caused by chemotherapy. It can also help with AIDS symptoms, muscle spasms in people with multiple sclerosis, seizures, Crohn's disease, Huntington's disease, glaucoma, chronic skin disorders, schizophrenia, and sleep disorders.

The side effects include dizziness, drowsiness, short-term memory loss, and euphoria. Fucking euphoria. I pray for euphoria. Who wouldn't want that? That is a side effect that is a lot better than the laundry list given in most drug TV ads today. 

A popular antidepressant advertisement lists the possible side effects of the medication out loud on national TV: dry mouth, constipation, diarrhea, fatigue, dizziness, anxiety, nervousness, insomnia, nausea, pain in your upper stomach, itching, loss of appetite, dark urine, clay-colored stools, jaundice, feeling like you might pass out, agitation, hallucinations, fever, fast heart rate, overactive reflexes, rigid muscles, high fever, sweating, confusion, fast or uneven heartbeats, tremors, easy bruising, unusual bleeding, painful or difficult urination, headache, trouble concentrating, memory problems, weakness, feeling unsteady, loss of coordination, fainting, seizure, shallow breathing or breathing that stops, severe skin reactions, sore throat, swelling in your face or tongue, burning in your eyes, skin pain, followed by a red or purple skin rash that spreads (especially in the face or upper body) and causes blistering and peeling. Less serious side effects may include dry mouth. 

I mean, fuck. I guess I'll take euphoria. 

I'll be the first to admit that we Americans are an overprescribed populace with diseases crafted purely to satisfy our neurosis, or to line a drug company's wallets. Restless leg syndrome? Are you fucking kidding me? 

Oh. I see you found the doctor's notes.
 

My current favorite is fibromyalgia: a completely made-up pain disease with no actual scientific explanation and that is miraculously cured with antidepressants versus any kind of analgesic medication. Even the doctor who defined fibromyalgia says that the disease does not exist. You want to know why antidepressants work with fibromyalgia? Because these patients have got legitimate problems, but none of them are physical. Because they have a strange form of Munchausen syndrome. 

They need attention. 

They need sympathy.

They need reassurance.

They are depressed. 

Do you know what else I bet would work on fibromyalgia? Pot!

The point of the post: if you do not have a legitimate, non-emotional argument based on science, research, and facts, then do not outlaw something that others want to legalize simply out of tradition.

Attributions:
Gage Skidmore, hosted @ flickr.com, (CC BY-SA 2.0) 
dfrtn, hosted @ flickr.com, (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)  
Curtis Gregory Perry, hosted @ flicker.com, (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)