Un-valuable

“Executive orders were proof of Obama’s lawlessness. Now Trump does them and they’re celebrated…  Republicans have two principles: figuring out how to funnel more money to rich people, and ‘If it makes liberals mad, we’re for it.’ That’s it.” -Bill Maher

Bill has summarized what I’ve been thinking and saying for the past year: while the Dems’ message has stayed relatively the same through the years (at least since I’ve been interested in politics), Republicans/conservatives change their position more than a bisexual hooker playing Twister. Trump’s very nomination shows us this. How can you wag your fingers at something one day and embrace it the next and not look like you just wrote a doctoral thesis on hypocrisy? Look to the GOP for a lesson in doing this successfully and with the sheep… oops… I mean constituents’… blessing.

Maples for President 2020

In light of yesterday's election, I wanted to dust off this blog to officially toss my hat into the ring for the presidential race of 2020. 

That's right: Trump's nomination has proven that you don't need any of the following to be President of the United States of America:

• Experience
• Maturity
• A fundamental understanding of basic issues
• A decidedly American worldview
• Any appreciation for democracy
• A firm position on anything
• Calm temperament
• Respect for anything other than heterosexual white men (white lesbians are obviously cool, though)
• Morals
• Religion (If you're a Republican, religious values are inconsequential. If you're a Democrat, you're probably a Kenyan Muslim)
• Respect for veterans
• An economic plan that is anything but disastrous for the middle and lower classes of citizens
• Recognition of America's enemies
• The ability to heed the information of those more informed than yourself
• Restraint
• Goodwill
• Sympathy for the nation's needs
• Patriotism
• A general base in reality

I CAN DO THIS. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO THIS. YOU ARE ALL FUCKING DOOMED IF YOU DON'T VOTE FOR ME: AMERICA WILL BE REDUCED TO ASHES BY MUSLIM EXTREMISTS WHO HATE CHRISTIANS AND LOVE ABORTIONS, GAY MARRIAGE, AND SOCIALIZED HEALTHCARE.

I KNOW IT. YOU KNOW IT. EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.

"The City Must Suffer At The Hand of The Chief's Command"

In the wake of the Pulse nightclub shooting that took place on 6/12/16 here in Orlando, an event that claimed the lives of 49 people and injured just as many, we as a nation once again mourn the loss of innocent young people at the hands of a madman and look to our leaders for answers. Democratic politicians staged a sit-in on the floor of Congress to try and get the Republican majority to finally, for once, act on behalf of the American people and not their own partisan political careers. Once again, the American people were let down by their leaders as the Republicans adjourned two days early instead of addressing these pressing issues, something we've become all too used to. Rather than seeing ourselves as Americans who need to discuss these things as a group to serve the greater good, we've chosen partisanship over common sense.

American Homeowner, Part 2

This post a letter that I sent as a reaction to a string of threatening letters that my HOA has sent to my house in regards to an underwhelming front yard. For those with the unfortunate hell of living in a community with an HOA, you already know the score. 

To Whom It May Concern:

As stated in an email sent earlier today, my family has made considerable efforts to correct the issues that the Board of Directors has so graciously been monitoring on our behalf. Unfortunately, it would seem that the Board’s photography personnel/lackey may have missed these efforts on their weekly stalker fly-by, and the Board is making severe threats based on a single out-of-context photograph from a single moment in time, having no insight as to what may have occurred on other days or at other times to address the Board’s vital concerns.

First, I will say that we are very taken aback that the Board seems to assume that it is a governing body with the kind of clout that would allow them to bully regular, law-abiding citizens in the way that we perceive from the language in the letters that we have received (as I hinted in the first paragraph, sometimes having only a little glimpse to go by can lead to some staggering assumptions, if one is so inclined). To send us a “First Violation” letter on 3/30/2016 to make us aware of the issues that the Board has with our yard, and then follow it up exactly 14 days later with a “Final Notice of Violation” letter with weighty threats of litigation is asinine, offensive, falsely entitled, and presumptuous. Also, for the Board to talk out of one side of its mouth about caring for the occupants of Stratford Pointe while vomiting these kinds of threats is the kind of heartless, gutless, broad-brush reaction that I would expect from a soulless organization (or a dictator, come to think of it) than from a group that is supposed to be solely intent on bettering the community and lives of those within.

Waving a lawyer at my family does not hold much water with me, especially when the Board’s bylines offer a lot of interpretive flexibility in their terms:

• “Mowed on a regular basis” – what is a regular basis to you? To my family’s lawyer, this could mean once a month so long as it is regularly so. 
• “No dead spots” – how large is a spot? Does the “dead spot” consist of grass only? Meaning, what if all the grass is dead but the weeds are lively and green? It wouldn’t, by this vague definition, be “dead,” would it?

Put yourself in my shoes: does the Board actually think that two weeks is really enough time to resolve the issues that they have with our yard in particular? To receive the first warning, save money, contact vendors, solicit estimates, schedule services, and have fully-complete results in 14 days seems entirely reasonable to the Board? Really? On top of that, according to the threats/letters from the HOA, we’re supposed to submit all “requests for approval of tree/plants removal” to the ARB (what is the ARB?), thus adding to this ticking time bomb that the Board has hung around our necks. How do we do that? What is the ARB’s turn-around time? Does the board consider this when making demands of the prisoners of Stratford Pointe?

Keep in mind that I personally resolved one of the issues (dead/dry plants/trees, which is exactly 50% of the issues that the Board has with our yard) more than a week ago; does this not signal to the Board that we are making efforts to rectify their concerns? Also, keep in mind: my removing these dead plants at the Board’s behest has caused there to be empty “dead” spots in the yard in their absence. Once these plants are replaced, these dead spots will be greatly minimized, hopefully reducing the likely painful collective anal clenching that the Board seems to be experiencing.

In addition to the removal of these dead and/or dying plants, an irrigation vendor has successfully repaired the irrigation system on the property as of today (4/16/2016). On Monday, 4/18/2016, I will be contacting the City of Orlando to turn on the water to the irrigation system and will begin watering at the maximum allowable duration and intervals. Once these steps are carried out, I will personally be installing new plants, as well as seeding, weeding, and fertilizing the lawn. If, after several weeks, the grass seeds do not take and/or the results are underwhelming, we are prepared to re-sod the yard.

Taking this into consideration, I would like to ask when the Board may think it is appropriate to inspect their property that we just happened to have purchased and are currently living on so that we can ensure that the Board receives their full enjoyment from it? Per the threats… sorry, I mean violation letters… I am to notify the Board when the violation has been corrected so that they can come over and cast their hallowed gaze upon the plot that, by their exalted grace and authority, they allow my family to occupy.

I am hoping that the Board will be gracious enough not to toss my modestly-incomed family to their lawyers-in-waiting until the fruits of our recent efforts have been allowed to ripen. Rest assured, we have been jumping at the cracks of the Board’s whip, and have spent a significant amount of our own money (not even from the Board’s coffers, though it apparently causes them so much more alarm than it does us or our neighbors that one would think they would offer to help) since receiving the First Violation letter to repair the yard. Even two days after surgery, I have worked in the yard in a Percocet haze and blood-soaked bandages as best I could to liven up the yard, sparing no expense because my priorities are to the Board and its red right hand. I know now that I cannot be concerned with trivial issues like my own physical or financial well-being.

Please allow us a reasonable amount of time to react to the letters that we have received, a realistic amount of time to allow the brand-new irrigation system (which was severely damaged and neglected by the home’s previous owners) to begin to nourish the yard, and a practical amount of time to allow a home with a newborn, a preschooler, and two working parents to install new plants to replace the ones that we just removed.

Moving forward, it may be prudent for the Board to consider each violation on an individual basis and invest a moment to the needs of the homeowner in addition to the needs of the community, not in spite of it. Though the photo-stalker hasn’t caught me with a shovel or pickax in the yard or the irrigation professionals digging up the yard to repair the system, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t occurring. If need be, we can schedule this photo session so that I am sure to never miss an opportunity to work in the yard for the camera like a dirty girl and prove my worth to the Board.

This recommended additional consideration may also allow the Board to consider realistic time frames for residents to address the Board’s concerns based on the significance of the concern: allowing 14 days for a complete yard redesign and installation seems like a bit much for the average family to swallow, versus 14 days to remove a flamingo lawn ornament or the like.

Your Respectful Peasant,

Mike Maples

Freedom For All

"No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right. The judgment of the Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit is reversed. It is so ordered." -Justice Anthony Kennedy reading the Supreme Court's gay marriage ruling, striking down state bans.

Congratulations to those that have been waiting for this decision, as well as to America itself, for finally climbing another rung on the ladder of human advancement.

All are welcome, and all are free.

Pork Chop Biscuit

Recently, Kelly Clarkson received a lot of heat about her pretty substantial weight gain in recent months. The result was a professional and positive response by Clarkson and a social media flood of reverse-fat shaming. I figured that as a person who has fallen into both the fit and fat columns (mostly the latter), I'd weigh in here.

If you're fat, you most likely know it. How you handle this knowledge is personal. For Kelly Clarkson, the response to critics of her larger size was great:

"I've just never cared what people think. It's more if I'm happy and I'm confident and feeling good. That's always been my thing. And more so now since having a family, I don't seek out any other acceptance." - Kelly Clarkson

Opinions on what obesity actually looks like varies wildly from person to person. Fortunately, the trend of rail-thin women as the model for attractiveness has fallen to the margins, replaced by the increasingly popular fascination with curvy women. However, I think that we are blurring the lines between confidence, as in one's self-confidence regardless of body image, and making excuses for unhealthy lifestyles, obesity, and more.

Punish the Weak

I saw an interesting statistic on Reddit today that showed just how many more prisons than colleges we have in the US. Here's my take in its most simplified form, along with other ways in which we beat down those who are already down.

The issue is that American bureaucrats, (most of) the super-wealthy, and fiscal conservatives aren't really fiscally conservative and unfortunately, they control everything. They sure as shit don't mind spending incredible amounts of money on prisons and punishment (or wars; they never seem to mind using our highly-expensive military to dispatch "freedom" all around the world), but don't want to spend money on rehabilitation or prevention in the form of higher education. This is what baffles me about both liberals and conservatives.

Mike's Guide To Civil Rights: Protesting

OK, OK. I know that I recently posted a blog issuing my full support for those protesting the law enforcement system. In light of that, this post may seem like me doubling-back on my words. Trust me; that is not the case at all. But between protesters tearing Missouri apart with rioting, looting, and violence against their own community and people blocking roads near malls during the holiday season just to get someone to listen to them chant the same seven or eight words ad nauseum, I think it is safe to say that we as a nation have entirely forgotten how to protest.

Mike's Guide To Civil Rights: Law Enforcement

In light of the most recent police shooting of an unarmed person in Orlando, I think it's time for an overhaul. By this, I mean a nationwide overhaul of the way we police our citizens: the technology, the procedures, the protocols, everything. Across the US, we are seeing an unprecedented level of violence and harsh tactics being used by police against the population.

The escalating use of excessive force, as well as outright police militarization, has reached an apex. This is the kind of stuff that starts revolutions, people. But we don't need a revolution. We need to change police culture, and American culture while we're at it.

Love Letter

I have wanted to write to you for a few weeks now, but couldn't really figure out the right words to say to you. You are the only woman that I have ever loved, but have never met. I had never seen a woman as beautiful as you are, and the only picture I ever saw of you was on an ultrasound.

Now, I hope that I have found the right words for you.

The Audacity

I have to give it up to my Facebook friends for inspiring this post, as well as contributing to it (knowingly or not). It all started with an article that I read about recent scientific findings related to religion. The article, which you can read here, discusses a recent issue in the journal Cognitive Science, in which it was found that children subjected to religion have a difficult time differentiating reality and make-believe. Surprise, surprise.

I'm agnostic at best but was very pleased with the discussion that took place between my Facebook friends when I posted the article there. The main players in the conversation were me, a close personal friend for more than 20 years named Bryan, and a brilliant local comedian that I hold in high regard for his humor, humility, and powerful intelligence: Bill Kilpatrick. I am on the anti-religion side, Bryan falls on the pro-religion side, and Bill is somewhere in the middle, too informed for his own good. Here is how it went:

Tough Guy Yarmulke

Approximately 200 people, including 40 children, have been killed in the last week with the recent uptick of violence between Israel and Palestine. The brutality in Israel's counterattack is highlighted by an assault on Palestinian children playing on a Gaza beach that killed four kids and hit none of the strategic targets located on the beach. And by that, I mean there were absolutely no strategic targets on the beach, only families and journalists. This is another example of Israel's growing boldness against its enemies in the region, and one cannot help but think that one day, the region will get tired of the shenanigans.

I, like so many others, am really exhausted by religious violence in the Middle East, particularly because religion is a goofy thing to fight over. If we could just get over all of this religion that is holding us back, we'd finally see one another as human beings, not Jews, gentiles, Muslims, Christians, Hindus, Buddhists, and all of the other make-believe magic ghost stories that only divide us. 

Least-Valuable Prisoners

OK, I'll make this quick because it is stupid that it is getting this much attention and heat. Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl is likely a deserter.

That said, American soldiers should not have had to give up their lives in trying to rescue him if that is indeed the case (see Reality Check #2). He very likely walked away from a war that he didn't agree with, which is illegal according to the UCMJ, and should be punished in a measured manner for it. However, death is not an appropriate punishment for that crime, according to the UCMJ. Nor were his feelings uncommon with members of the military, then and now.

Republicans are currently shitting kittens because the White House made some backdoor deal with the Taliban to release five Guantanamo prisoners, senior Taliban operatives, in exchange for Bergdahl. Speaker Boehner's usually bright orange skin has taken on a reddish hue in response to this outrage. Let's take a breather and remember a few things.

A Troubled Spider Man

WARNING: MAJOR SPIDER-MAN 2 SPOILERS AHEAD

The entertainment industry has collectively decided that we're all out of ideas or cares about what we watch and has rather successfully rebooted a franchise that wasn't even a decade old yet. We got "The Amazing Spider-Man," which was admittedly pretty great and re-established Spider-Man as a franchise. That said, the sequel to that movie had many problems, primarily that is wasn't good at all.

Therapy, vol. 4: Adulthood

Adulthood. It sucks unilaterally. I know that in my heart, but then why does everyone need me to control these things? It's like, "Hey, Mike, I could help you with this, or just do it myself. I know it is really my responsibility, or at least our joint responsibility, but I'm going to go ahead and leave it to you." And that's not about marriage. It's everything. I'm an ambitious, hard-working bulldog that gets shit done. Everyone sees that and lays more bricks on the pile for me, knowing I'll take care of it or die trying.

It would be nice to just drop the fucking bricks. 

Therapy, vol. 3: Crux

I'm a big sissy when it comes to being alone. That said, I have entered many relationships in my life and considered "the M word" with a few of them (only pulled the trigger twice... just to be sure). Here is what I've collected about marriage over the years.

I am the product of divorced parents. My parents were only married for a few years before calling it quits when I was four years old. Both went on to marry the people that they are still married to today, more than 20 years later. 

So why do people stick it out in horrible, unhappy marriages? I got advice from someone one time, and their words were as follows:

"It will work out. [It] just takes strength and trust in yourselves, and everything will fall into place."

Followed immediately by a quick bit about their own relationship:

"I am just waiting until his family dies before I make my final decision [on divorce] as the amount of money I will get half of. Sounds sad, but I won’t have to worry about money again and could retire earlier than 65. That’s for sure."

So basically, fuck it. It's a crapshoot, anyway.

American Homeowner

This is a letter that I just sent to my HOA. I am posting it here as a sample of what to expect for all of you would-be home buyers out there, as well as an example of how you probably shouldn't respond to an HOA.

Simply put: don't buy a home in a neighborhood with an HOA. What they purport to contribute to the neighborhood almost never outweighs the personal freedoms (and money) that they strip from you. Mind you, the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Read on...

Hero

"They're gonna rip you apart; you're going to burn at the stake. 'Cause when it's time to collect, it's only heroes that pay." Hero by Ministry.

When I was very young, somewhere between 7-10 years old, my grandmother took me to a fair in Lafayette, Indiana, also known as the glorious place of my birth and spring break capital of the world. As dusk approached, we finished off an elephant ear and made our way through the droves of corn-fed white trash and Purdue students towards our car. Near the exit, I was quick to notice an old Chevy S-10 with a camper shell and a homemade sign that read "FORTUNE TELLER & TAROT," tacked to the side. When I think of a legitimate business, I think "vehicle-based" and "county fair," in that order.

Seems legit.

Perceived Imbalance

"Why does the government give poor people big refunds while charging others more on their federal taxes?"

It is tax season, and you know what that means: endless bitching. You are guaranteed to encounter tweets, posts, blogs, and quotes like the one above related to how much of someone's paycheck that the government is keeping, how unfair it is, and how people are "doing their part to support the lazy Americans."

I have posted about welfare before, but a fresh round of bitching by middle-class white people beckoned me to continue. You see, I don't think of welfare as simply helping lazy people. Do I think that this happens? Yes. Do I think it is a majority? No. But even if it was a majority of welfare recipients that were abusing the system, I'd still support it. To me, it is not an issue of giving to those undeserving of it, but rather contributing to our society; the poor, the broken, the underprivileged, the disenfranchised people who haven't had all of the opportunities that I have, which has not been many, to be sure. This is called optimism.

Dutch Amnesia

While perusing the dregs of social media article links, I ran across an interview with Ann Coulter on Piers Morgan's show, which you can see here. As always with Ms. Coulter, it was mostly an argument stuffed with some Ross Perot-like "can I finish my sentence" moments in the place of valid counterpoints in sentence form. However, it made me reflect on the legalization of marijuana argument, and each side's take on it from the point of view of a non-smoker pot-sympathizer (which I am, I promise) (prospective employers).